moranhat

Moran Hat is Dead

2007-07-04T09:02:00.000Z

Top Five Things to do in This Heat

2006-07-26T10:28:00.000Z

5. Have a cold drink
4. Sit in the fridge for a bit
3. Go to work naked
2. Make a snowman
1. Stop wrestling that manticore

Top Five Worst Sounds Known to Man

2006-07-04T10:18:00.000Z

5. The crack of a snail's shell as you stand on it barefoot
4. Jamie Oliver trying to say "L"
3. Any noise whatsoever made by your neighbours
2. The splintering of your front door as the robot death police burst into your house
1. Ja Rule

Top Five Future TV Programmes to Feature Noel Edmonds

2006-06-21T12:15:00.000Z

5. Wheel or No Wheel
4. Eel or No Eel
3. Feel or No Feel
2. Kneel or No Kneel
1. Super Bungee Death Jump Challenge

Chef Off!

2006-06-20T14:18:00.000Z

Line-faced, tough TV chef, Gordon Ramsay has today spoken of his joy after he was awarded damages of £99 against the West Lancashire Echo. The newspaper had published an article entitled "Cook not Cock" in which it claimed that despite the muscular Ramsay's reputation as a foul mouthed bastard, he was in fact "perfectly well mannered" and did not actually swear. The article then went on to detail how the TV production company involved with "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares", "Hell's Kitchen" and "Ready, Steady... Fuck" had to hire specialist swearing experts to add on words such as "Shit", "Shitting Shit" and "Shitto" in post-production. These curse-techs were reported to work for upwards of 12 hours on each episode of Ramsay's TV output, ensuring that each profanity was just the right level of offensiveness to enhance his reputation as an sexy maniac.

Ramsay, looking tanned and ready for anything had this to say after leaving court today: "BEEP! These BEEEPs have got to BEEEPing realise that I'm BEEEP BEEEEP. I'm not BEEEEPing BEEEP BEEEP. If any BEEEEP tries to BEEEEEEP my BEEEEEP, I'll BEEEEEP!"

Ramsay's next project is rumoured to be a cookery programme for children entitled "Big Cunt, Little Cunt."

Bad Apples

2006-06-20T14:03:00.000Z

Waitrose have announced that they are to start selling an 'ugly' range of fruit which would normally be rejected due to its grotesqueness. This includes wrong-shaped bananas, apples which are the wrong shade of red, and funny-looking tomatoes.

Waitrose's customers, who are used to paying a premium for only the best produce, will soon have the chance to buy strange-looking fruit which even Asda would usually throw away. It is hoped that the discounted spazzy fruit will be snapped up by frugal shoppers, thus helping to reduce food waste and encourage less prejudice based on appearance.

We at Moran Hat were granted a sneak preview of the new range of fruit, before they are made officially available to the public on Monday. They included:

apples with brown bits on them
shrivelled-up grapes
amusing bananas
a kiwi fruit which, when cut open, resembled the face of popular Irish funnyman Patrick Kielty
a strawberry that looked like a poo

Shoppers at Waitrose have reacted angrily to the news. "This is going to encourage the sort of shopper here that you would normally find at the Co-op!" spat one outraged middle-class woman. "The heroin addicts are going to be moving out of the toilets... and into the fruit section!" she continued, dramatically.

Waitrose have denied claims that the new ugly range of fruit is actually just their organic selection with the mud washed off.

Precious as Gold

2006-06-20T10:15:00.000Z

Whilst trawling the BBC's archives for some rare footage of Ocean Colour Scene live in Mongolia, moranhat made a particularly exciting and unexpected discovery!

We now present to the world for the very first time, a short film by Philip Schofield, made - we believe - during the early years of his exile in Guernsey.

Ladies and gentlemen...Philip Schofield's 'The Desirable Body'.

Top Five Reasons You Want to Die

2006-06-19T10:56:00.000Z

5. You are a bit bored
4. So you can compare beards with god
3. Your parents don't understand you
2. You fancy being a zombie for a bit
1. You have spent the last four years held captive in a basement being repeatedly tortured and abused by an incredibly brutal sadist

Top Five Episodes of 24

2006-06-16T22:01:00.000Z

5. The one where Jack Bauer whispers
4. The one where Jack Bauer looks annoyed
3. The one where Jack Bauer sneaks about near some storage containers
2. The one where Jack Bauer gets a mysterious threatening phone call
1. The one where Jack Bauer eats ice cream

World Cup Special

2006-06-15T13:27:00.000Z

Welcome to Munchen, foot-fans! Moran Hat is here to report on the World Cup and to be first to bring you all the goals, gaffs, girls and gulls that are sure to occur!

News:

Samba Style!
The players/footballers from Serbia and Montenegro have taken to eating raw meat in an effort to improve the efficiency of their offside trap. Coach, Minky Munky says "We will bathe in the blood of our enemies' children". That's quite some goal!

Shirts and Pants!
Several teams at the 2006 World Cup are sporting new style shirts designed using the latest technology and assembled by babies in dungeons in China. Always striving to produce the best, lightest and most arousing kits, manufacturers such as Umbro, Admiral and Troop have furnished some of the world's best teams with sport shirts that include dazzling new features such as:

Costa Rica - Detachable collar
England - Breast pocket for storage of 2 x tomato ketchup sachets
Italy - Shirt made entirely of paint
Barnsley - In-built grenades

MATCH REPORT: Togo 0:0 Iran
Football is coming home! This was never going to be an easy game for the footballers of these countries. Iran were looking to bounce back from their last game in which they were defeated 4-0 by the referee and Togo were forced to field a team partly made up of inflatable replica players after four of their players, Nwankwo Stinkata, Barnald Walpergicide, David Oilflesh and their star striker, Mop were trapped in a refrigerator for eight minutes before the game, and became "too cold to play".

The crowd made horrible noises throughout, as men kicked the ball and ran into different positions. There was also some spitting and pushing.

This result means that England can never win the World Cup again.

Top Five Worst Things That Can Possibly Happen

2006-06-15T10:00:00.000Z

5. The bin liner splits while you're emptying the bin
4. You make yourself a nice brew and then forget to drink it
3. You nip out in the car for two minutes and get back to find someone else parked in the space outside your house
2. You hear some Toploader on the radio
1. You're on the phone trying to renew your insurance and your perineum explodes

Top Five Nintendo Wii Launch Titles

2006-06-14T08:18:00.000Z

5. Super Stick Wiggling
4. Eat Your Dinner - Touch!
3. Super Mario Moustache Combing
2. Kirby's Magical House Painter
1. Super Schoolgirl Sex Tentacle Simulator

Top Five Hobbies

2006-06-13T16:17:00.000Z

5. Ironing
4. Sitting
3. Thinking about ironing
2. Moving
1. Writing sex letters to Preston off Big Brother

Top Five Ways to Show Your Patriotism During the World Cup

2006-06-09T08:10:00.000Z

5. Attach little plastic St George flag (£2.99) to car
4. Drape St George flag out of bedroom window. Make sure to leave it there for years after the world cup has finished, until it becomes increasingly grey and ragged and eventually completely dissolves.
3. Sing a song about hating the IRA
2. Buy a new pair of Reebok Classics
1. Attack local kebab shop

Top Five Guests at David Beckham's World Cup Party

2006-05-23T16:13:00.000Z

5. Puffy Diddy
4. Gary Neville
3. Chris De Burgh
2. Joseph Stalin
1. Richard Briers

Top Five Things for David Blaine to be Trapped In

2006-05-02T14:15:00.000Z

5. A bath filled with piss
4. Hell
3. The past
2. The M6
1. John Prescott

Top Five Replacements for Wayne Rooney at the World Cup

2006-05-02T14:11:00.000Z

5. Peter Crouch
4. Geoff Hurst
3. Boris Johnson
2. Soccerbot 3000
1. Tom Cruise

Top Five Excuses Used by Gary Glitter

2006-05-02T11:32:00.000Z

5. There were some ghosts there
4. I was only teaching those young girls a funky new dance
3. I do not exist
2. It wasn't my penis; it was a sponge finger
1. Michael Jackson did it

Top Five Names for the New Nintendo Console

2006-04-28T21:58:00.000Z

5. Nintendo Wii
4. Nintendo Pu
3. Nintendo Anoos
2. Nintendo Piinis
1. Playstation 3

Top Five New England Managers

2006-04-28T16:30:00.000Z

5. Big Phil Scolari
4. Tiny Tim
3. Chicken Little
2. Giant Haystacks
1. Rubbish Steve McClaren

Top Five Catchprases for Alan Sugar

2006-04-27T10:17:00.000Z

5. You're on fire!
4. You're gay!
3. Look at this email phone here that I am ensuring is in every shot possible!
2. You're dead!
1. This is all fabulous PR for Amstrad!

Ultimate Book Announced

2006-03-13T13:58:00.000Z

People with eyes who like to read books are sure to be delighted by the latest news about books.

In a super team up Dan Brown, author of the Dave Vincent Code, and Harry Potter author, John Karl Rowling have been brought together by publishers Random House to produce a mega book, designed to make people read themselves to word heaven. The two gargantuans of book are due to write the opus by taking turns and each writing one word at a time. Details of plot are sketchy at this stage, but it is thought that the book will feature both Jesus and Harry Potter and will have a nice picture on the cover.

Spokesman from Random House, Carved Beefside says that public interest has already been strong: "We announced the book yesterday and have given it a provisional publication date of July 2008, so of course large queues have already formed at most branches of Tesco and the first few pages have been stolen several times and sold to the Sun. It's like, forget the bible. If you can read then this book is so amazing, it's practically as good as a DVD."

Beefside also exclusively revealed the title of this book of books to Moran Hat: "I was speaking with the authors this morning, and after quite a few heated discussions with swearing in them they've decided to go for 101 Best Sudoku Puzzles."

Snow hits America. Americans 'terrified'.

2006-02-16T13:49:00.000Z

New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"

Buff's paranoid rantings may seem bizarre, perhaps even hysterical - yet similar thoughts passed through the minds of America's highest government officials. An urgent warning was sent to all major media outlets, warning Americans to stay in their homes as there was a "very real danger that this snow is cursed by Jihads". Samples were caught and tested by important men with scientific qualifications in biohazard suits, but tests for anthrax were 'inconclusive'.

Snow, or something more sinister? America is unsure.

America has been brought to a complete standstill by the storms, which have been described by American weatherman Wilf Stormy as 'pretty bad'. Major American airports have been forced to close, roads are icy and treacherous, and several Americans have slipped over whilst walking - meaning thousands of innocent citizens have been subjected to potentially lethal falls. Several citizens have also complained that they are cold, and some have been rushed to hospital with sniffly noses and numb extemities - both listed as early-warning symptoms of a poison gas attack.

A big explosion - one of the results of terrorism against Americans.

A press release from the White House stresses that the snowfall "could be the work of Muslims", but "it is possible that it's just snow". The message to Americans is clear: "Stay in your homes. Be wary of snow or snow-like substance, and treat it as highly dangerous. But most importantly - do not panic."

Underground Awards Show Announced

2006-02-16T11:44:00.000Z

A new, controversial music awards show is to be held next month, as a response to the 'mainstream, do-nothing, say-nothing homogenised blandness that is the Brits'. The organiser of the Smash! Awards, Trent Gudgeon, told us that "people are sick of being told what to listen to, how to listen to it, and when to listen. To it. The Smash! Awards are all about Smash!ing through the artificial boundaries imposed on our ears by record labels and big businesses, and becoming aware of alternative ways of music!"

Traditional music awards shows such as the Brits tend to reward artists who have sold a large number of records, or have received critical acclaim. Mr. Gudgeon told us that this is unfair on less talented artists, and he intends the Smash! Awards to reflect a wider range of music. "All bands and solo artists will be equally represented in the Smash! Awards - regardless of record sales, ability, or any of that bullshit! We're considering giving an award to a new band who haven't even written any songs yet, that's how cutting edge these awards are going to be."

Instead of the usual 'best male solo artist' and 'best British album' awards, the Smash! Awards are going to feature awards such as 'most subversive haircut', 'artist most likely to bring down the Government', 'most dangerously provocative video' and 'sexiest female'. Mr. Gudgeon seethed: "The Brit Awards, or - ha! - 'Shit' Awards, as I like to call them, are so predictable it's laughable! Same categories, time after time. The Smash! Awards are going to have entirely new categories every year. To keep the bands on their toes."

A unique way of getting new, underground and exciting music across to a wider audience, we can only wish Trent Gudgeon the very best of luck with his radical new vision for the future of awards ceremonies.

The first annual Smash! Awards will be presented by Paris Hilton, and are due to be held in a field in March. Annie Lennox, James Blunt and the Kaiser Chiefs are all tipped to win.

Sounds Smash!ing.

Crisps And Snacks: Banned

2006-02-16T11:07:00.000Z

The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".

Heart disease, greasy thighs, obesity, high blood pressure, soft bones, and increased cholesterol are all on the increase. Top scientist Dan Petri reckons things could be very different if only people would eat things that are good for them: "They don't eat what's good for them, they eat things that are nice instead". The health laws have been pushed to the top of the Government's list of priorities after a girl was found to be 400% of her ideal weight, after having eaten nothing but crisps and lard since she was 6. Dan Petri told us that this is "not a healthy diet".

Ministers are faced with a set of choices as to how the ban should be implemented. The Government's ideal outcome would be a total ban of the consumption of snack-foods in any public area (including schools, workplaces, public houses and oil rigs), and a strict rationing system per household. At the other end of the scale is an option to allow the public consumption of 'baked not fried' products, but only in pubs which already serve food. Interestingly, the actual purchase of the snacks in question is unlikely to be made illegal - however, the actual consumption of just one packet of nuts could soon result in a six-month suspended sentence.

One proposed poster to make the public aware of the new laws will feature a screaming obese man, shouting: "Why don't you just pour grease straight into your veins! It's the same thing!". Chemists have already started stocking 'salt n starch' patches to help people to kick the habit, but public opinion generally seems to be that the Government have gone too far. We asked some people in the street, and the words 'nanny state', 'Big Brother', 'political correctness gone mad', and 'delicious crisps' were mentioned in almost every conversation. Roger Fringe, a member of the public, told us: "When I go to the pub, I like to have a packet of crisps with my pint and my fag. Who doesn't! Sometimes I'll have some pork scratchings. It's my choice, and I'm not hurting anybody. Now I'm going to be treated like a criminal!"

Publicans and newsagents are stocking up to 6 times their normal quantities of crisps and nuts, in preparation for the public stampede to consume as many snacks as they can before the ban comes into effect. We've already had reports of parents filling their childrens' school bags with Pringles and encouraging them to eat them at every possible opportunity. Parents' group KidLove told us: "This will show the Government that we are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves, and for our children."

Cartoon Protests Escalate

2006-02-08T12:02:00.000Z

The world continues its slide towards apocalypse as violent flashpoints over cartoons have appeared in more countries. Rolf Harris found himself under siege from a large mob of protesters, enraged by the low quality of his drawings on Rolf's Cartoon Time. Carrying banners with slogans such as "That looks fuck all like Tweety Pie", "We can't tell what it is yet!" and "Draw properly you twat", the angry mob gathered outside the kindly beard-wearer's home yesterday and chanted "Death to Rolf!" while setting fire to one of those wobbly bits of wood he used to piss about with. Mr Harris, fearing for his life was able to make his escape by distracting the protesters with his large collection of disabled kittens stolen from Animal Hospital.

This latest disturbance comes hot on the heels of major rioting in Boston where crowds had taken to the streets, intent on trouble after an episode of the Simpsons was shown which was deemed to be "nowhere near as good as it used to be". The city burned for 48 hours, with the situation eventually only being calmed by Simpsons creator Matt Groening being airlifted into the area and drawing numerous pictures of Homer Simpson eating donuts, saying "D'oh!" and falling over.

In an effort to quell any further unrest, a simultaneous worldwide screening of The Lion King has been planned. UN spokesman Pumpy D'Artagnan thinks this is the only way to appease the extremist cartoon fans: "Everybody likes the Lion King, don't they? It's so amazingly good, with those Elton John songs. So this should shut them up."

It is not, however clear if this will be enough, and there are already reported incidents of cartoon fans going to crowded places and drawing pictures of explosions on large pieces of paper.

This Will Be the News

2006-01-12T13:31:00.000Z

Here at Moran Hat, being the kind of rich, intelligent and attractive people who get to rub shoulders with the world's most important figures like Nelson Mandela, Jorge Garcia and Stalin means that we're privvy to some pretty incredible things, such as the time we were shown the true location of Terry Wogan's house by Kofi Anan, or when we got that email from that woman about that thing.

Anyway, it being the start of a new decade or something, it's traditional for educational pamphlets such as ours to offer their readers predictions for stuff that might happen over the course of the next year. Usually this takes the form of a mixture of the obvious (Paris Hilton to give birth to oxen) to the outrageous (David Cameron to eat some drugs) in order to provoke laughter and delight.

We at Moran Hat however, say "Piff!" and "Thrunt!" to such hackneyed tactics, and have conjured up an entirely new level of worthless tripe. Yes! That's correct. After months of secret negotiations, at a secret location with a secret person (Richard Briers) we secured access to the world's only working time machine and have used it, not to go back in time and ~~play golf with~~ assassinate Adolf Hitler, or ride around on the backs of triceratops. No, dear reader, we have instead set forth into the future, braving battalions of witches and sex-tories to secure a copy of the Daily Telegraph from January 12th 2007! So that you might read the headlines contained therein and be amazed and amazed some more. "Miracle!", you cry? "Yes!", we say and then nod slowly.

Incredible! The news from 2007:

BARRYMORE: I LOVE DOG
Likeable bum warrior, Michael Barrymore has revealed his 12 year love affair with a dog. "He's a good swimmer" says the troubled entertainer...

FISH AND GAYS: "WAR WITHIN DAYS" SAYS U.N.
The simmering tensions between fish and gay people are expected to escalate to all out war, if a solution is not found to the current dispute over cravats...

INSIDE GORDON BROWN'S DEATH SQUADS
"It's terrifying" says man...

WRESTLER CRUSHES CHILD WITH XBOX
One minute he was playing Sonic, the next he was all flat. See the full color diagram of this gruesome incident in the centre pages...

LOST STAR'S ADMISSION: "WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY LOST"
Actor, Guts Maloney says that they knew where they were the whole time. America burns...

POSH TITS
Liz Hurley or someone...

Well, there you go. Looks like 2007 is going to be the best year ever. If we're really lucky, Robbie Williams will die as well.

Ocean Colour Scene Found In Van

2005-12-08T12:27:00.000Z

The band Ocean Colour Scene have been discovered in a minivan on the A317. It is thought that the veteran Britpoppers, who topped the charts with such hits as The Day We Caught The Train and The Riverboat Song, could have been stuck there since 2001.

The musicians were found when a motorist reported the immobile van as suspicious. Expecting a fullblown terrorist invasion by evil arabs, police sent a bomb defusal squad to investigate. They were surprised to find the brummie four piece huddled inside the van.

"So cold", guitarist Steve Craddock is reported to have said.

The band appear to have gone missing during a tour of small venues. It appears that they were travelling to a gig, which was then cancelled en route. Confused, the band headed for the next gig on the tour, but were forced to pull into a layby when they ran out of petrol. That gig was then also cancelled, and the group have been waiting ever since.

It is not clear exactly how long the band have been missing, as their disappearance was never officially reported. However, the length of their hair and toenails would indicate a period of years rather than weeks. The Britpop stars seem to have only been kept alive by the kindliness of a local idiot woman who supplied them with a daily rider of breadcrumbs and dog milk.

Ocean Colour Scene formed in the early nineties, releasing a handful of pub rock records until humourless curmudgeon Paul Weller plucked them from obscurity as his backing band. They then went on to sell records by the thousand, as well as soundtracking Chris Evans's universally beloved "TFI Friday" show on Channel 4.

But in more recent years, the band's fortunes have slid, with more cutting edge acts such as Toploader, The Stereophonics and Robbie Williams replacing them in the nation's hearts. Music experts say that might have been the reason why the band's disappearance went unnoticed.

A new charity has been set up to highlight the plight of former Britpop bands, and it is hoped that enough money will be raised to fund a gig for the group in a nearby town. But other acts, including Shed Seven, Longpigs and Mansun are still at risk, and police are desperately trying to confirm their whereabouts.

Album Of Newly Discovered Beethoven Music To Be Released

2005-11-12T23:05:00.000Z

Music legend Ludwig Van Beethoven is set to return to the charts, almost 180 years after his death. An album of unreleased music by the great composer, whose hits include Ode To Joy, Moonlight Sonata and the Fifth Symphony, has been put together from a recently discovered hoard of manuscripts and recordings.

The new material, which is thought to be the most significant find in musical history, is said to have been discovered under a pipe in Vienna by producer Trevor Horn. Horn was staying in a run down apartment in the city after an argument over gambling debts, and was totally stunned when he spotted a small chest under the floorboards. "When I realised what I had got my hands on, I knew that the whole world deserved to have the chance to buy this music", he told reporters.

Horn decided that the best way to present the discovery, which mostly contains juvenilia, half written pieces from when the composer was dying of lead poisoning, and scratchy recordings of b-sides, would be as a full length album. He set about reconstructing and, where necessary, completing the music using a line up of contemporary stars.

The album is set to be released on P Diddy's Bad Boy Records label. "Aight! Beethoven is the original G Mack Daddy", P Diddy told us. "Long before even the greats like Phil Collins and Sting, there was the greatest. Rest in peace, homie!"

Other current stars were keen to add their voices. "Without Beethoven I would never have got into music." said Daniel Powter, whose new single is out on Monday. "I'd say his songs... er whatever he did, it must have been really great."

Stupid hatted wanker Jay Kay also said something, but no-one cared.

The album is to be trailed by a single, "Overture from Pimp Rollin'". This song, the most complete from the cache, has been remixed by A Guy Called Gerald and features rapping by Herbert Von Karajan. It is expected to be a massive hit by pundits. A nine minute promo video has been made for the single by Hammer & Tongs, and features portraits of the legendary composer flying through virtual space. Over a hundred other faces from music's past, including Kurt Cobain, Tupac Shakur and James Blunt also star in the video, paying tribute to Beethovan thanks to new digital animation technology.

Beethoven experts have been clamouring to get their hands on the new material, but so far the label have refused to allow anyone to see it in case it gets into the hands of Internet pirates. "People be saying that the material might not be 100% authentic," said Diddy. "I say, let the music speak for itself. Everyone will have a chance to find out for themselves next month."

Return of Comic!

2005-11-11T17:23:00.000Z

Boy genius, Chester Mouthflaws has just emailed us the latest episode in the epic saga of Inferno Hitler and Space Rasputin. Check it out here, now! Quick!

Berkshire Police Unveil Controversial New Uniforms

2005-11-10T17:20:00.000Z

Berkshire Police have revealed their new uniform for officers on the beat amid a storm of controversy. Detractors claim that the uniform, which is expected to come into service by the end of this month, presents an inappropriate image for community policing.

The uniform was first demonstrated yesterday at a press conference in front of the county's media and glitterati. To a soundtrack of hi-NRG trance, officers paraded their new outfits down a raised catwalk emblazened with the force's new insignia - a fist with a halo of flame. The new uniform for beat officers incorporates a tough wearing black leather shorts and vest, complemented by knee length jackboots and a peaked cap - also black. The detective uniform, which incorporates a matching black trenchcoat was displayed by a model striking leonine poses on a revolving platform.

The highpoint of the display came when two officers, who are now to be known as "boyz", demonstrated a technique for disabling and handcuffing a suspect using the force's new electrified truncheons - all to the sound of a pumping version of "Respect" by Erasure. The officers then made guns with their hands and aimed them around the auditorium in time to the music. Response to the show was highly enthusiastic, with several members of the audience fainting, while others declared it a "triumph of the will".

In attendence was french fashion luminary Jean Jacque Pouvelle, who designed the uniform. "When I design I look beyond the outfit and into the soul," he told us. "I really wanted to be bringing the brutality... the animal side. I feel with this collection I have achieved that." Pouvelle then ended the interview by locking himself in a toilet cubicle with a cage full of rare birds and a bell jar.

Some members of the public have already voiced concerns about the nature of the design, claiming that the uniforms will lend an unapproachable, totalitarian air to their bobbies. "When I was young I remember the local plod coming around on his cycle. He was tough but fair, and if you got a clip around the ear you knew you deserved it", one local resident bored us. "These new uniforms just take the biscuit. My wife didn't fight and die in the war so these police could goosestep around like Europeans."

Police Chief Huxtable was quick to rebuff claims that the black uniform was intended to be anything but practical. "The people who are complaining don't seem to realise that police work has moved into the twenty first century." he said in a statement. "Perhaps they are harking back to times when the main problems we dealt with were apple scrumping and the odd riot. Nowadays we have to deal with domestic terrorism and cyber-rioters, and we need uniforms to reflect that change."

"Police work has become much more dangerous. Dangerous and sexy."

The Goose(Man) that Layed(Pooed) the Golden Egg(Poo)

2005-11-04T10:53:00.000Z

A Birmingham man has become the world's first pootrepeneur, by crapping out solid gold stools and selling them on ebay.

Julian Gallhound, who has previously worked as a part time beefeater for Cilla Black, discovered his amazing talent for producing precious faeces while recovering from a personal tragedy.

"It was in the summer of last year" remembers Julian, "I had just got out of hospital where I had been recovering from a savage gaybashing by the local police, even though I'm not actually a gay. They're totally racist. Anyway, to make myself feel better, I went down to Asda and stocked up on a box of Bacardi Breezers and about fifty Kinder Eggs. I then binged myself right up on these while watching Robocop on DVD and fell asleep. The next morning, it was incredible. I'd shat myself as usual, but amongst the stinking man dirt, was a little gold statue of a monster or something."

Julian scooped up the filthy trophy and showed it to his mum, who just so happens to be an expert in precious metals and after a quick wipe she confirmed that it was indeed made of solid gold. "I immediately knew then that I was blessed. I felt like Jesus himself had smiled upon my poo," rasped Julian "and if I could repeat the feat, I'd be set up for life. So I went back to Asda, got my supplies and got back down to it, although this time I watched Robocop 2." Again, Julian's rectum produced golden treats and he hatched a plan. "I knew that some of my friends were well into that ebay, and people will buy any old shit on there, so why not my GOLD shit? Eh?"

Julian has since received several orders for his ploppy treasures and is expecting to reap the rewards soon. "It's amazing," Julian enthused "So far all my customers have been from Nigeria. I expect they like this sort of shit over there. You know, the blacks. I've sent them my bank account details and am just waiting for them to transfer the money to me. I can't bloody wait! I'm going to buy a big telly and some designer jeans when I get paid."

Are you like Julian? Do you have unusual things coming out of your anus? If so, please take a picture of your shit and email us at buminterest@moranhat.co.uk with the results.

Technosexo

2005-10-06T12:59:00.000Z

Life just got 78% better, with today's exciting technouncement from Alba. The electronics manufacturer have, in an apocalypse of publicity revealed their new must-have gadget, the XZi720, designed to launch them into the new internet cyber realm in a big big way. The XZi720 which is endorsed by David Coverdale, is equipped with a 7GB hard drive, and is capable of displaying images on the 1.5" lcd monitor (sold separately) and playing videos up to 10 minutes in length, dependent on the number of words spoken in the video. It also has expansion slots capable of taking 38 Memory Sticks simultaneously, and can be plugged into an electrical socket to enable "lightning power"

XZi720 owners also get access to Alba's new technoporthole at www.futurenowmusicfilmsyes.com from where they can control their cyber lives with ease. They are able to send a special MMS to futurenowmusicfilmsyes which is then displayed on the internet (accessible from most PCs and Macks). This is then automatically converted into a DIVX file and emailed to a random contact from Alba's database of cool fuckers, who must then send back a mash-up remix of the file to the original user's XZi720 handset. The handset must then be switched off for ten minutes, and then when it is switched back on, it plays a nice tune.

Gadget-gurus are engaging in a rubbing frenzy at the prospect of the XZi720, with some describing it as "Good" and others as "Totally shit".

Budding XZi720 owners are urged to pre-order ahead of the launch for Christmas 2005, with limited supply of around 12 units per country forecast. Demand is sure to outstrip supply and a bloodbath outside Dixons appears to be on the cards.

Amazing Comic!

2005-09-20T11:07:00.000Z

Moran Hat is delighted to team up with one of the internet's new raw talents, as we bring you the new web comic from Chester Mouthflaws, The Fabulous Adventures of Inferno Hitler and Space Rasputin.

Chester is an 11 year old protege from Arkansas who was mute until the age of 9 and only grew hair yesterday. When asked about the origins of his striking new work, Chester began weeping and ran off to hide in a cupboard, but his mother, Awfulneck Mouthflaws later revealed that the comic came to him in a dream: "Chester went to bed one night an ordinary boy, and then the next morning, as well as peeing the bed, he'd drawn this amazing thing on the inside cover of his science textbook. That was when we knew he was a special child. That and the levitating he's been doing since he was 6."

You can see the first instalment of Chester's incredible comic here, and be sure to check back for future episodes.

Pirates Begin Strike

2005-08-31T23:46:00.000Z

Pirates around the World today downed cutlasses for what is expected to be the first of several week long strikes. The action was called by SCUM, the Scabrous Corsair Union of Mariners, citing increasingly poor working conditions and terms of employment as the reason.

Instead of the usual daily onslaught of chainshot, grappling hook boardings and pillage, cruiseline passengers this morning were treated to the unusual sight of buccaneer ships holding a picketline around popular pirate sites such as Dead Man's Cove, Skull Island and Shingles Reef. In addition, the fearsome Jolly Roger flag had been taken down in many cases and replaced with banners calling for reform.

Union leaders say that the strike is a direct result of a sore lack of plunder and virgin bottoms to despoil onboard modern shipping. "Was a time you couldn't overrun a ship without looting a haul of chests o' gold doubloons and ripe cabin boys," says lifetime pirate Bastard Pete. "Nowadays, seems all they ever have is travellers cheques and crates full of cheap t-shirts from China."

In addition to this, the union is claiming that pirate working conditions have failed to keep pace with employment law, especially in the area of healthcare and retirement packages. "Piracy is as hazardous business as it was centuries ago, but the medical support just hasn't moved on," says Union representative "Blackheart" Winstanly-Smythe. "Pirate injuries are still being treated with peglegs and eye patches. It's barbaric." Scurvy is also a serious problem among pirates, even though limes have been widely available in other professions such as law and accountancy for years.

Corsairs have also come under increasing pressure in their work as they often encounter anti-pirate slogans on shipping, including "pirates=filth" and "plunder is theft". There have also been reported cases of pirate ships being lured into council estates, only to be pelted with stones by local children. This abuse has got so bad that many pirates refuse to raid in certain areas.

Pirate numbers have been on the decline in recent years, largely due to the inability of their antique sailships to keep up with ship engines and the ineffectiveness of the traditional cannon and curved swords against modern weapons. Economic analyists predict that the trade will die out altogether within the next thirty years as all the World's remaining treasure supplies are buried on desert islands. The only solution might be for pirates to locate buried treasure using their old cryptic maps and give it back to people to resteal later.

But many senior pirates are against this plan. "Even with all this modern GPS tracking, we couldn't find the treasure." says Bastard Pete. "Those old maps were often written by captains drunk on plundered rum, and X often doesn't mark the right island, let alone the spot. I say leave it buried. "

"I was born a pirate and I will die a pirate, most likely on the sword of the governer as I ravish his daughter. Arrr."

Gruesome Fate of Pop Group Decided by Text Vote

2005-08-31T09:48:00.000Z

Super singing sensations the Black Eyed Peas have made entertainment history by becoming the first group to be destroyed for public amusement. Following the failure of their last single Stinky Love Bummy which entered the chart at number two but failed to dent the number one position still held by James Blunt, the Peas were instructed by their record company, Funkadunka Records that all but one of them would face public execution.

Viewers of Channel 4's T4 were invited to choose from ten funky fates for the Blacks, by texting in the name of the member they wanted to die the most and after an incredibly close-run contest in which death lust for each member reached incredible levels, the results have been announced as follows:

Taboo

Death vote: 38%

Method of demise: Intestines removed with spatula, face eaten by child, brain replaced with Banana Muller Rice (his favourite)

Last word to fans: Peace to the god, word is bond, hup da hup yo piss!

Alex "Fergie" Ferguson

Death vote: 29%

Method of demise: Shot at close range with a bazooka, remains weed on by Jeremy Clarkson

Last word to fans: Fuck you fuckers. Fuck you in the ass, the lot of you.

Darren Smith

Death vote: 18%

Method of demise: Axed in the chops loads of times

Last word to fans: What? Who? I don't know what you're talking about. The Black Eyed Peas? No, I think you've got the wrong chap here. No, really.

Fuckhead Peterson

Death vote: 15%

Method of demise: SAVED!

Last word to fans: I never liked those other guys anyway. Kill them good.

The killings will be done live on stage after the Black Eyed Peas' final concert and will be shown live on Channel 4, in an extravanganza of bloodlust presented by Vernon Kay and Prince Charles.

The surviving member, Fuckhead Peterson will then be launched as a solo artist in the hope that the sympathy vote for his slain colleagues will be enough to dislodge Blunt from the top of the pops.

His first single, a cover of Beautiful by James Blunt is due to hit stores soon.

Actor's Balls

2005-08-19T14:53:00.000Z

George Clooney's testicles were declared sentient in a ceremony in Los Angeles yesterday. The fleshy rounds, now to be referred to as The Great Lord of Destruction (the left one) and Michael Flatley (the right one) have been pushing for independence from the staggeringly handsome actor since they came to life during an accident with a radioactive piece of wood on the set of Batman and Robin.

The glitzy ceremony in which a buddhist monk washed the balls in goat's milk, was attended by some of Clooney's Hollywood pals, such as Martin Short, Martin Landau and Steve Martin. Clooney declared he was happy with the new status for his balls, "My balls, to me they're like buddies. Buddy balls. BUDDY BALLS!" The lovely faced screen star then performed a song he had written for the occasion called "The Greatest Love of Balls" and at the song's climax, clambered atop an eight foot podium and removed his testicles with an axe.

Showbiz insiders are predicting big things for the balls, and it is rumoured that they have already been lined up to appear in the next series of Lost.

Sadly, George Clooney died of massive balls loss shortly after the ceremony. He will be buried in a coffin with a big window in it so that everyone can look at his nice face for eternity.

Goss! Showbiz! Wow!

2005-08-17T14:20:00.000Z

A TITANIC MATCH! Shockwaves reverberated through Hollywood last week with the unexpected anouncement that two of Tinseltown's biggest power players are set to marry. A. Hugo Gutierrez Cuellar (best know for his second second assistant director role on Titanic) is believe to have proposed to Lisa Zusmer (senior visual effects coordinator on Spider-man) during a romantic break in Salt Lake City.

"I am, quite simply, heartbroken," said Cuellar's mother, who is reported to have said over last year's Christmas dinner that Zusmer is "a bit of a snidey bitch." Also heartbroken are Cuellar's legion of fans, including several of us gals here at Hat Towers! The pair are expected to marry in late September - tissues at the ready, girls!

FASHION TIPZ! Hot! hot! hot! this season - as ever - are pretty, a-line floral-print skirts, teamed with cute accessories (think chunky bangles, over-sized beads and sparkly hairclips!), 50's style pastel cardigans and kitten heels. On the left, Gavin is wearing a skirt from Muji (£59.99), and River Island patent leather and sterling silver braces (£22); feet are model's own.

For women, the best new look we've seen this past fortnight is The Tracey Emin. All around Hat Towers girls are throwing out their inhibitions and proudly pounding the streets in unwashed hair and ill-fitting charity shop wear. In the office, we're particularly loving our work experience girl Emsy, who came in on Tuesday wearing naught but a soiled nappy and a peephole bra. And she's only 15! Outrageous!

SPOTTED!
Gwyneth Paltrow eating hotdogs straight from the tin in Kingston-upon-Hull!
Well 'Ard the dog from Eastenders forraging in bins along Manchester's trendy Deansgate!
Kerry Katona offering blow jobs for 99p double cheeseburgers outside St Pancras Station!
Eva Braun trying on frilly knickers in Agent Provocateur, High Street Kensington!

World Health Organisation Announces World's Top Diseases

2005-08-17T12:45:00.000Z

The World Health Organization, the United Nations specialized agency for health has announced the top ten diseases causing the biggest problems in the world today. The full, horrifying top ten list is as follows:

Spiders
Dirt on leg
Smell of wee
Rottedness
Gayness
Falling over
Hitler
Dark thoughts
Injured by trebuchet
Radioactive mobile phone brain hotness

The increased danger from spiders has come as a shock to many, but it is believed that approximately one in four deaths worldwide is now caused by a spider. Spider expert, Parlour Monkeytrick feels the problems will only get worse: "With many spiders now carrying guns and operating in organised terror gangs these problems are inevitable. In fact, if current spidopredictions prove correct, by the year 2009, the human race could be all but extinct."

Findings from Police Tube Shooting Inquiry Are Released

2005-08-17T09:34:00.000Z

An inquest into the shooting of a man by armed police on the 22 July has found that victim Jean Charles de Menezes ran into Stockwell tube station mowing down anyone in his way with a submachine gun. Upon reaching the barriers, he pulled the pin out a grenade with his teeth and tossed it back at the pursuing officers, leaping away from the ensuing explosion in slow motion.

de Menezes then made his way onto a crowded train where he cunningly disguised himself as a commuter. Police followed him onto the train but were unable to locate him, splitting up to search the carriages more thoroughly. Officer Goose saw a suspicious bulge in a small girl's coat and ripped it open to reveal a bomb jacket, only to hear the sound of the Brazilian terror mastermind's gun cocking directly behind his head.

With de Menezes holding Goose, who was only one day away from retirement, as a human shield, it was up to maverick cop John Bruckheimer to save the day. Bruckheimer tried to talk the madman down, but it was no use as the brazilian was too far gone on his descent into evil. de Menezes fired a bullet directly into Officer Goose's brain before raising his gun to shoot Bruckheimer. With a split second to react, Bruckheimer chambered a round and blasted the top of de Menezes's head off.

"Terrorise this!" he quipped, before blasting the rest of the brazilian electrician's face to pieces, causing the crowd of commuters to burst into spontaneous applause. Bruckheimer then went to the side of his fallen comrade, who just had time to pass on his love for his wife and children before dying photogenically.

The commission have therefore cleared the officers involved of all wrong doing, though those pen pushers down at City Hall have insisted that Officer Bruckheimer be suspended for doing his job, dammit!

CD Review Round Up: Shed Seven, Coldplay and Megadeth

2005-08-16T13:09:00.000Z

Shed Seven - Pig Race (for Gold)

Shed Seven have always been the thinking man's indie-dance band and with this, their thity-ninth album, they have finally hit the heights they have threatened to for a long time.

Opening track What is in My Anus? sets the tone with a barrage of groovy indie riffs, supreme indie drums and indie bassplaying all topped off by famous singer, Rick Witter's soaring vocals. This high standard is maintained throughout the album which may be considered a sort of indie version of Blood on the Tracks and is a fitting epitaph for Shed Seven, who have recently announced that they are to hang up their boots after a disagreement over a packet of crisps led to irreconcilable differences between guitarist, Steve Vai and drummer, Paul Drummer.

Recommended Tracks: What is in My Anus?, Stealth Crisps and the epic Lord Morgusstroth and the Battle of Deepenwound

Coldplay - Fuck Motorbike

The release of Coldplay's fourth album, Fuck Motorbike sees them installed as the world's second biggest super-power with the globe's CD buying public cowering at their feet and legions of slaves willing to carry out their every wish.

Previously, Chris Martin and chums' agenda has been overtly altruistic, but it seems that Fuck Motorbike represents a shift in focus. Gone are the sentiments from songs such as X&Y's The Poor, Poor Blacks or Bono Told Me About the Bads from their debut album, Parachutes and in their place are songs such as the quasi hip hop leanings of Death Thrust Space Attack and the tender ballad, My Bank Account is Full. Whether this new direction will prove a hit with their fans is debatable, but they probably don't care.

Recommended Tracks: N/A

Megadeth - Farming is My Business... and Business is Poor!

Irrelevent thrash metallers, Megadeth attempt to reinvigorate their career with this concept album about the problems faced by farmers these days.

While not recommended for everyone, this album should prove a hit with sadists, lawyers and dicks.

Recommended Tracks: Imagine Trying to Do Farming When There's a Nuclear Bomb Just Exploded in Your Chicken Coop, Megacow, and Ultimate Destruction of Tractor

Anti-Paedophile Laws Hit Children’s TV Nostalgia

2005-08-16T12:12:00.000Z

This is the face of the first man to be charged with intent to fiddle kiddies under the new Camberwick Green Act, implemented last Friday after ministers decided it was inappropriate for those "of an adult nature" to discuss at great length television programmes intended for those "of a small nature".

Children's Minister Beverley Hughes commented, "There is something inherently perverse and wrong about a grown adult who chooses to devote any portion of their time to thinking about entertainments created for the eyes of babes, and I intend to put a stop to this sort of activity."

The man pictured is Gerard Forecourt, a 30 year old assistant librarian from Nantwich, Cheshire who ran the site http://www.noddyandfriends.co.uk/ (which has been indefinitely removed from the internet). He is currently being held on the Sidney Cooke Wing for Nonces and Pooves at HMP Belmarsh, awaiting trial by media.

Previously disregarded as a pastime for the socially inept, children's TV nostalgia has now been revealed as a gateway to far more insidious activities - a million miles removed from the innocence of childhood favourites such as The Clangers, Button Moon, and The Sweeney.

Following the law's implementation, an eerie new hush has befallen conversation in pubs and on internet messageboards. Where self-indulgent nostalgia discussions were previously de rigueur, friends now look at each other and wonder, "Does his love of The Mysterious Cities of Gold hide a deeper sickness?"

Particularly hard-hit, also, is Channel 4, whose schedulers last night held crisis talks, whilst the channel transmitted 'dead air'. In the early hours of this morning it was announced the outcome of these talks would be 'T4: Evening', a magazine-show featuring "classic" episodes of The OC, Friends, and bi-weekly, 3-hour long editions of Popworld. "This is a new start for us," promised Channel 4's Vernon Kaye, "Channel 4 is no longer a haven for the vile pariahs of these shores."

Police wish to speak to Stuart Maconie, believed to be in hiding. If you have any information about Mr Maconie's whereabouts, please ring NonceLine on 0800 100 200.

Black Hole Army Invades Chipping Sodbury

2005-08-16T08:44:00.000Z

The town of Chipping Sodbury has been occupied by an expeditionary force of the Black Hole Army. Citizens were surprised upon waking this morning to find themselves under martial law, enforced by an elite cadre of soldiers.

It is thought that the Black Hole forces marched on the quiet market town via the A432 from Yate, with an advance force of neo tanks arriving just before breakfast. Sleepy residents were taken completely by surprise as the purple clad troops arrived and set up checkpoints around the town.

"I was in the back yard hanging out my smalls when I heard a great rumbling noise", said local resident Eileen Clemency, who witnessed the invasion. "Suddenly all these helmetted soldiers were coming down the alley and trampling my primroses. It was all very exciting."

In a televised statement, the town's Mayor has appeared appealing for calm. "The Black Hole CO has assured me that no-one will come to harm as long as we cooperate fully. The best thing we can do now is accept the rule of our new overlords and hope that all of this blows over."

Black Hole CO Hawke then made a brief appearance. "Black Hole claims this town and its citizens to do with as we please. Black Hole will last a million years. Our enemies will suffer a million deaths. Cower before our might!"

Some local residents were unmoved by the broadcast, including pensioner Frederick Anusol. "One minute it's this common EU, the next, the forrins are invading our town. I tell you, next they'll be taking our Great British Pound away. I was in the war!"

The occupation has been peaceful, except for one reported incident in which farmer Bill Cockrot's tractor was destroyed by a rocket emplacement en route to market. Unfortunately, no-one was hurt.

Home Secretary Charles Clark has so far declined to reply, as it is not his turn yet.

Man Ports Doom to Pet Cat

2005-08-16T08:06:00.000Z

A Texan gamer has announced that he has managed to successfully run Doom on his pet cat.

Arnold Lonely (34), has a history of doing amazing and brilliant computer things such as porting Super Mario to his calculator, but this represents the pinnacle of his achievements: "People said it couldn't be done, but I wouldn't give up. Sure, the first seventeen cats I tried it on all died horribly, but when something is this important, you just gotta follow your dream."

Arnold with his cat, Kraken Basket has been showing off the wonders of Cat Doom to his friends. "People are amazed by what I have done," says Arnold, "Especially when I show them the UI. Sure, you gotta stick your hand up the cat's ass, but let me tell you, it's not the first thing I've had to stick up there and I'm pretty sure he kinda likes it now"

Arnold's future plans include getting Pac Man to run on a hamburger and going out of the house.

Tories Announce Plans to Unleash Inferno Hitler at Upcoming By-election

2005-08-15T12:19:00.000Z

In a drastic move designed to appeal to their grass roots following, the Conservative Party has announced plans for Inferno Hitler to contest the upcoming by-election in the Somerset town of Shankton-Upon-Holey.

Michael Howard has assured the party faithful that Inferno Hitler is up to the task. "When you consider the popular appeal that Hitler enjoyed in Nazi Germany, it is an easy decision for me to lend Inferno Hitler my full support. He is a man of action, a man of principle, and what's more, he has incredible super powers which enable him to set things on fire, a bit like that bloke from the Fantastic Four."

Little is known about Inferno Hitler himself, but it is thought that he has spent the last few decades on Mars battling with Space Rasputin, before his recent decision to return to politics.

Shock As Chart Star Gunned Down

2005-08-15T10:23:00.000Z

Chart topping singer-songwriter James Blunt has been shot dead in a gun battle. The attack happened last night in Central London at 2048 GMT as Blunt was being driven to his hotel in a limousine. Witnesses saw several masked men step out into the street before opening fire on the car with automatic weapons. Blunt and his companions are then thought to have exchanged gunshots with the unknown assailants before the 27 year old star was critically wounded. The gunmen fled the scene.

The Metropolitan Police have so far refused to comment on whether the killing may be related to the murder of Daniel Powter last month. The rivalry between the two singers was well publicised, sparking rumours that the shooting was an act of vengeance by Powter's label. It is feared that there might be further bloodshed as the cycle of violence spirals out of control.

"This shit has got to stop", commented veteran DJ Steve Wright. "How many more promising young talents must we lose before we stand up and say 'stop the violence'? Ain't no East Coast-West Coast, color thing."

Science off Big Brother "The Solution to the Iraq Problem" Says Blair

2005-08-12T09:36:00.000Z

Following high level meetings between Tony Blair and Davina McCall, it has been announced that evicted Big Brother supergenius Science (real name "Walter Piss"), has been secretly flown into Iraq as a last ditch effort to put an end to the killing and the messing about and the general hoo-ha.

At a press conference held before Science was sent to Iraq in a space helicopter, Blair said, "We have tried elections, blowing people up and that, and none of it has worked, so now we're sending in the one man that we think is capable of restoring order to the country. The plan is that they'll treat him as their god."

Science himself said "Mr Blair is correct. Power to the people! You get me?"
Upon his arrival in Mosul, Science, decked out in his traditional shit hat was greeted by a huge crowd of well wishers, who chanted his name for over ten minutes.

When asked for a message to his new followers, Science simply said, "I am from the hood. Don't diss my music. You get me?" and then cut the arse off a chicken.

Reaction to the installation of Science as godhead was mixed with some, such as local Iraqi dance instructor, Dave Baghdad saying, "It's quite good yeah, cos he's a good rapper. But to be honest yeah, most people would have preferred Eugene."

Others were not so pleased, with a crowd of around 75 insurrectionists staging a dirty protest in the toilets of Mosul Starbucks.

Viking Link to London Bombings?

2005-08-11T15:39:00.000Z

Britain was today left reeling like a drunken dog, as new photo enhancement techniques revealed that the four men who carried out the suicide bombings in London on July 7th, were kitted out not just with rucksacks full of bombs, but also with massive beards and horned helmets.

Police experts and science boffins have studied this new evidence for minutes and are convinced therefore, that these men were in fact vikings.

Whether this represents an isolated incursion, or is the start of a full blown viking invasion is unknown at this stage, but citizens of the UK are urged to treat anyone with a heavy, blonde beard with extreme caution and then to shoot them five times in the head until they are dead.

Apple to Launch Hitler iPod

2005-08-11T14:25:00.000Z

Apple today lifted the lid on another in their line of special edition iPods, with the announcement of the Hitler iPod.

A spokesman at Apple, Thruntuss Toiletshort said, "Today's iPodder is searching for more and more exclusivity in their digital life, and the new Hitler iPod is exactly the kind of dope shit they are looking for."

It is thought that the Hitler iPod will feature special cool cyber-nazi features, with the Parachute game being replaced by a turn based strategy game of war in Europe. Several of Hitler's greatest speeches come pre-loaded on the unit as does "Back to Bedlam", the hit album from James Blunt.

Apple also gave us a sneak peek at future special editions which include the Ghengis Khan iPod, the Bobby Davro iPod and an iPod Shuffle covered in faeces.