moranhat

Moran Hat is Dead

2007-07-04T09:02:00.000Z

Top Five Things to do in This Heat

2006-07-26T10:28:00.000Z

5. Have a cold drink
4. Sit in the fridge for a bit
3. Go to work naked
2. Make a snowman
1. Stop wrestling that manticore

Top Five Worst Sounds Known to Man

2006-07-04T10:18:00.000Z

5. The crack of a snail's shell as you stand on it barefoot
4. Jamie Oliver trying to say "L"
3. Any noise whatsoever made by your neighbours
2. The splintering of your front door as the robot death police burst into your house
1. Ja Rule

Top Five Future TV Programmes to Feature Noel Edmonds

2006-06-21T12:15:00.000Z

5. Wheel or No Wheel
4. Eel or No Eel
3. Feel or No Feel
2. Kneel or No Kneel
1. Super Bungee Death Jump Challenge

Chef Off!

2006-06-20T14:18:00.000Z

Line-faced, tough TV chef, Gordon Ramsay has today spoken of his joy after he was awarded damages of £99 against the West Lancashire Echo. The newspaper had published an article entitled "Cook not Cock" in which it claimed that despite the muscular Ramsay's reputation as a foul mouthed bastard, he was in fact "perfectly well mannered" and did not actually swear. The article then went on to detail how the TV production company involved with "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares", "Hell's Kitchen" and "Ready, Steady... Fuck" had to hire specialist swearing experts to add on words such as "Shit", "Shitting Shit" and "Shitto" in post-production. These curse-techs were reported to work for upwards of 12 hours on each episode of Ramsay's TV output, ensuring that each profanity was just the right level of offensiveness to enhance his reputation as an sexy maniac.

Ramsay, looking tanned and ready for anything had this to say after leaving court today: "BEEP! These BEEEPs have got to BEEEPing realise that I'm BEEEP BEEEEP. I'm not BEEEEPing BEEEP BEEEP. If any BEEEEP tries to BEEEEEEP my BEEEEEP, I'll BEEEEEP!"

Ramsay's next project is rumoured to be a cookery programme for children entitled "Big Cunt, Little Cunt."

Bad Apples

2006-06-20T14:03:00.000Z

Waitrose have announced that they are to start selling an 'ugly' range of fruit which would normally be rejected due to its grotesqueness. This includes wrong-shaped bananas, apples which are the wrong shade of red, and funny-looking tomatoes.

Waitrose's customers, who are used to paying a premium for only the best produce, will soon have the chance to buy strange-looking fruit which even Asda would usually throw away. It is hoped that the discounted spazzy fruit will be snapped up by frugal shoppers, thus helping to reduce food waste and encourage less prejudice based on appearance.

We at Moran Hat were granted a sneak preview of the new range of fruit, before they are made officially available to the public on Monday. They included:

apples with brown bits on them
shrivelled-up grapes
amusing bananas
a kiwi fruit which, when cut open, resembled the face of popular Irish funnyman Patrick Kielty
a strawberry that looked like a poo

Shoppers at Waitrose have reacted angrily to the news. "This is going to encourage the sort of shopper here that you would normally find at the Co-op!" spat one outraged middle-class woman. "The heroin addicts are going to be moving out of the toilets... and into the fruit section!" she continued, dramatically.

Waitrose have denied claims that the new ugly range of fruit is actually just their organic selection with the mud washed off.

Precious as Gold

2006-06-20T10:15:00.000Z

Whilst trawling the BBC's archives for some rare footage of Ocean Colour Scene live in Mongolia, moranhat made a particularly exciting and unexpected discovery!

We now present to the world for the very first time, a short film by Philip Schofield, made - we believe - during the early years of his exile in Guernsey.

Ladies and gentlemen...Philip Schofield's 'The Desirable Body'.

Top Five Reasons You Want to Die

2006-06-19T10:56:00.000Z

5. You are a bit bored
4. So you can compare beards with god
3. Your parents don't understand you
2. You fancy being a zombie for a bit
1. You have spent the last four years held captive in a basement being repeatedly tortured and abused by an incredibly brutal sadist

Top Five Episodes of 24

2006-06-16T22:01:00.000Z

5. The one where Jack Bauer whispers
4. The one where Jack Bauer looks annoyed
3. The one where Jack Bauer sneaks about near some storage containers
2. The one where Jack Bauer gets a mysterious threatening phone call
1. The one where Jack Bauer eats ice cream

World Cup Special

2006-06-15T13:27:00.000Z

Welcome to Munchen, foot-fans! Moran Hat is here to report on the World Cup and to be first to bring you all the goals, gaffs, girls and gulls that are sure to occur!

News:

Samba Style!
The players/footballers from Serbia and Montenegro have taken to eating raw meat in an effort to improve the efficiency of their offside trap. Coach, Minky Munky says "We will bathe in the blood of our enemies' children". That's quite some goal!

Shirts and Pants!
Several teams at the 2006 World Cup are sporting new style shirts designed using the latest technology and assembled by babies in dungeons in China. Always striving to produce the best, lightest and most arousing kits, manufacturers such as Umbro, Admiral and Troop have furnished some of the world's best teams with sport shirts that include dazzling new features such as:

Costa Rica - Detachable collar
England - Breast pocket for storage of 2 x tomato ketchup sachets
Italy - Shirt made entirely of paint
Barnsley - In-built grenades

MATCH REPORT: Togo 0:0 Iran
Football is coming home! This was never going to be an easy game for the footballers of these countries. Iran were looking to bounce back from their last game in which they were defeated 4-0 by the referee and Togo were forced to field a team partly made up of inflatable replica players after four of their players, Nwankwo Stinkata, Barnald Walpergicide, David Oilflesh and their star striker, Mop were trapped in a refrigerator for eight minutes before the game, and became "too cold to play".

The crowd made horrible noises throughout, as men kicked the ball and ran into different positions. There was also some spitting and pushing.

This result means that England can never win the World Cup again.

Top Five Worst Things That Can Possibly Happen

2006-06-15T10:00:00.000Z

5. The bin liner splits while you're emptying the bin
4. You make yourself a nice brew and then forget to drink it
3. You nip out in the car for two minutes and get back to find someone else parked in the space outside your house
2. You hear some Toploader on the radio
1. You're on the phone trying to renew your insurance and your perineum explodes

Top Five Nintendo Wii Launch Titles

2006-06-14T08:18:00.000Z

5. Super Stick Wiggling
4. Eat Your Dinner - Touch!
3. Super Mario Moustache Combing
2. Kirby's Magical House Painter
1. Super Schoolgirl Sex Tentacle Simulator

Top Five Hobbies

2006-06-13T16:17:00.000Z

5. Ironing
4. Sitting
3. Thinking about ironing
2. Moving
1. Writing sex letters to Preston off Big Brother

Top Five Ways to Show Your Patriotism During the World Cup

2006-06-09T08:10:00.000Z

5. Attach little plastic St George flag (£2.99) to car
4. Drape St George flag out of bedroom window. Make sure to leave it there for years after the world cup has finished, until it becomes increasingly grey and ragged and eventually completely dissolves.
3. Sing a song about hating the IRA
2. Buy a new pair of Reebok Classics
1. Attack local kebab shop

Top Five Guests at David Beckham's World Cup Party

2006-05-23T16:13:00.000Z

5. Puffy Diddy
4. Gary Neville
3. Chris De Burgh
2. Joseph Stalin
1. Richard Briers

Top Five Things for David Blaine to be Trapped In

2006-05-02T14:15:00.000Z

5. A bath filled with piss
4. Hell
3. The past
2. The M6
1. John Prescott

Top Five Replacements for Wayne Rooney at the World Cup

2006-05-02T14:11:00.000Z

5. Peter Crouch
4. Geoff Hurst
3. Boris Johnson
2. Soccerbot 3000
1. Tom Cruise

Top Five Excuses Used by Gary Glitter

2006-05-02T11:32:00.000Z

5. There were some ghosts there
4. I was only teaching those young girls a funky new dance
3. I do not exist
2. It wasn't my penis; it was a sponge finger
1. Michael Jackson did it

Top Five Names for the New Nintendo Console

2006-04-28T21:58:00.000Z

5. Nintendo Wii
4. Nintendo Pu
3. Nintendo Anoos
2. Nintendo Piinis
1. Playstation 3

Top Five New England Managers

2006-04-28T16:30:00.000Z

5. Big Phil Scolari
4. Tiny Tim
3. Chicken Little
2. Giant Haystacks
1. Rubbish Steve McClaren

Top Five Catchprases for Alan Sugar

2006-04-27T10:17:00.000Z

5. You're on fire!
4. You're gay!
3. Look at this email phone here that I am ensuring is in every shot possible!
2. You're dead!
1. This is all fabulous PR for Amstrad!

Ultimate Book Announced

2006-03-13T13:58:00.000Z

People with eyes who like to read books are sure to be delighted by the latest news about books.

In a super team up Dan Brown, author of the Dave Vincent Code, and Harry Potter author, John Karl Rowling have been brought together by publishers Random House to produce a mega book, designed to make people read themselves to word heaven. The two gargantuans of book are due to write the opus by taking turns and each writing one word at a time. Details of plot are sketchy at this stage, but it is thought that the book will feature both Jesus and Harry Potter and will have a nice picture on the cover.

Spokesman from Random House, Carved Beefside says that public interest has already been strong: "We announced the book yesterday and have given it a provisional publication date of July 2008, so of course large queues have already formed at most branches of Tesco and the first few pages have been stolen several times and sold to the Sun. It's like, forget the bible. If you can read then this book is so amazing, it's practically as good as a DVD."

Beefside also exclusively revealed the title of this book of books to Moran Hat: "I was speaking with the authors this morning, and after quite a few heated discussions with swearing in them they've decided to go for 101 Best Sudoku Puzzles."

Snow hits America. Americans 'terrified'.

2006-02-16T13:49:00.000Z

New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"

Buff's paranoid rantings may seem bizarre, perhaps even hysterical - yet similar thoughts passed through the minds of America's highest government officials. An urgent warning was sent to all major media outlets, warning Americans to stay in their homes as there was a "very real danger that this snow is cursed by Jihads". Samples were caught and tested by important men with scientific qualifications in biohazard suits, but tests for anthrax were 'inconclusive'.

Snow, or something more sinister? America is unsure.

America has been brought to a complete standstill by the storms, which have been described by American weatherman Wilf Stormy as 'pretty bad'. Major American airports have been forced to close, roads are icy and treacherous, and several Americans have slipped over whilst walking - meaning thousands of innocent citizens have been subjected to potentially lethal falls. Several citizens have also complained that they are cold, and some have been rushed to hospital with sniffly noses and numb extemities - both listed as early-warning symptoms of a poison gas attack.

A big explosion - one of the results of terrorism against Americans.

A press release from the White House stresses that the snowfall "could be the work of Muslims", but "it is possible that it's just snow". The message to Americans is clear: "Stay in your homes. Be wary of snow or snow-like substance, and treat it as highly dangerous. But most importantly - do not panic."

Underground Awards Show Announced

2006-02-16T11:44:00.000Z

A new, controversial music awards show is to be held next month, as a response to the 'mainstream, do-nothing, say-nothing homogenised blandness that is the Brits'. The organiser of the Smash! Awards, Trent Gudgeon, told us that "people are sick of being told what to listen to, how to listen to it, and when to listen. To it. The Smash! Awards are all about Smash!ing through the artificial boundaries imposed on our ears by record labels and big businesses, and becoming aware of alternative ways of music!"

Traditional music awards shows such as the Brits tend to reward artists who have sold a large number of records, or have received critical acclaim. Mr. Gudgeon told us that this is unfair on less talented artists, and he intends the Smash! Awards to reflect a wider range of music. "All bands and solo artists will be equally represented in the Smash! Awards - regardless of record sales, ability, or any of that bullshit! We're considering giving an award to a new band who haven't even written any songs yet, that's how cutting edge these awards are going to be."

Instead of the usual 'best male solo artist' and 'best British album' awards, the Smash! Awards are going to feature awards such as 'most subversive haircut', 'artist most likely to bring down the Government', 'most dangerously provocative video' and 'sexiest female'. Mr. Gudgeon seethed: "The Brit Awards, or - ha! - 'Shit' Awards, as I like to call them, are so predictable it's laughable! Same categories, time after time. The Smash! Awards are going to have entirely new categories every year. To keep the bands on their toes."

A unique way of getting new, underground and exciting music across to a wider audience, we can only wish Trent Gudgeon the very best of luck with his radical new vision for the future of awards ceremonies.

The first annual Smash! Awards will be presented by Paris Hilton, and are due to be held in a field in March. Annie Lennox, James Blunt and the Kaiser Chiefs are all tipped to win.

Sounds Smash!ing.

Crisps And Snacks: Banned

2006-02-16T11:07:00.000Z

The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".

Heart disease, greasy thighs, obesity, high blood pressure, soft bones, and increased cholesterol are all on the increase. Top scientist Dan Petri reckons things could be very different if only people would eat things that are good for them: "They don't eat what's good for them, they eat things that are nice instead". The health laws have been pushed to the top of the Government's list of priorities after a girl was found to be 400% of her ideal weight, after having eaten nothing but crisps and lard since she was 6. Dan Petri told us that this is "not a healthy diet".

Ministers are faced with a set of choices as to how the ban should be implemented. The Government's ideal outcome would be a total ban of the consumption of snack-foods in any public area (including schools, workplaces, public houses and oil rigs), and a strict rationing system per household. At the other end of the scale is an option to allow the public consumption of 'baked not fried' products, but only in pubs which already serve food. Interestingly, the actual purchase of the snacks in question is unlikely to be made illegal - however, the actual consumption of just one packet of nuts could soon result in a six-month suspended sentence.

One proposed poster to make the public aware of the new laws will feature a screaming obese man, shouting: "Why don't you just pour grease straight into your veins! It's the same thing!". Chemists have already started stocking 'salt n starch' patches to help people to kick the habit, but public opinion generally seems to be that the Government have gone too far. We asked some people in the street, and the words 'nanny state', 'Big Brother', 'political correctness gone mad', and 'delicious crisps' were mentioned in almost every conversation. Roger Fringe, a member of the public, told us: "When I go to the pub, I like to have a packet of crisps with my pint and my fag. Who doesn't! Sometimes I'll have some pork scratchings. It's my choice, and I'm not hurting anybody. Now I'm going to be treated like a criminal!"

Publicans and newsagents are stocking up to 6 times their normal quantities of crisps and nuts, in preparation for the public stampede to consume as many snacks as they can before the ban comes into effect. We've already had reports of parents filling their childrens' school bags with Pringles and encouraging them to eat them at every possible opportunity. Parents' group KidLove told us: "This will show the Government that we are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves, and for our children."