Top Five Things to do in This Heat

5. Have a cold drink
4. Sit in the fridge for a bit
3. Go to work naked
2. Make a snowman
1. Stop wrestling that manticore

Top Five Worst Sounds Known to Man

5. The crack of a snail's shell as you stand on it barefoot
4. Jamie Oliver trying to say "L"
3. Any noise whatsoever made by your neighbours
2. The splintering of your front door as the robot death police burst into your house
1. Ja Rule