Top Five Future TV Programmes to Feature Noel Edmonds

5. Wheel or No Wheel
4. Eel or No Eel
3. Feel or No Feel
2. Kneel or No Kneel
1. Super Bungee Death Jump Challenge

Chef Off!

Line-faced, tough TV chef, Gordon Ramsay has today spoken of his joy after he was awarded damages of £99 against the West Lancashire Echo. The newspaper had published an article entitled "Cook not Cock" in which it claimed that despite the muscular Ramsay's reputation as a foul mouthed bastard, he was in fact "perfectly well mannered" and did not actually swear. The article then went on to detail how the TV production company involved with "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares", "Hell's Kitchen" and "Ready, Steady... Fuck" had to hire specialist swearing experts to add on words such as "Shit", "Shitting Shit" and "Shitto" in post-production. These curse-techs were reported to work for upwards of 12 hours on each episode of Ramsay's TV output, ensuring that each profanity was just the right level of offensiveness to enhance his reputation as an sexy maniac.

Ramsay, looking tanned and ready for anything had this to say after leaving court today: "BEEP! These BEEEPs have got to BEEEPing realise that I'm BEEEP BEEEEP. I'm not BEEEEPing BEEEP BEEEP. If any BEEEEP tries to BEEEEEEP my BEEEEEP, I'll BEEEEEP!"

Ramsay's next project is rumoured to be a cookery programme for children entitled "Big Cunt, Little Cunt."

Bad Apples

Waitrose have announced that they are to start selling an 'ugly' range of fruit which would normally be rejected due to its grotesqueness. This includes wrong-shaped bananas, apples which are the wrong shade of red, and funny-looking tomatoes.

Waitrose's customers, who are used to paying a premium for only the best produce, will soon have the chance to buy strange-looking fruit which even Asda would usually throw away. It is hoped that the discounted spazzy fruit will be snapped up by frugal shoppers, thus helping to reduce food waste and encourage less prejudice based on appearance.

We at Moran Hat were granted a sneak preview of the new range of fruit, before they are made officially available to the public on Monday. They included:

• apples with brown bits on them
• shrivelled-up grapes
• amusing bananas
• a kiwi fruit which, when cut open, resembled the face of popular Irish funnyman Patrick Kielty
• a strawberry that looked like a poo

Shoppers at Waitrose have reacted angrily to the news. "This is going to encourage the sort of shopper here that you would normally find at the Co-op!" spat one outraged middle-class woman. "The heroin addicts are going to be moving out of the toilets... and into the fruit section!" she continued, dramatically.

Waitrose have denied claims that the new ugly range of fruit is actually just their organic selection with the mud washed off.

Precious as Gold

Whilst trawling the BBC's archives for some rare footage of Ocean Colour Scene live in Mongolia, moranhat made a particularly exciting and unexpected discovery!

We now present to the world for the very first time, a short film by Philip Schofield, made - we believe - during the early years of his exile in Guernsey.

Ladies and gentlemen...Philip Schofield's 'The Desirable Body'.

Top Five Reasons You Want to Die

5. You are a bit bored
4. So you can compare beards with god
3. Your parents don't understand you
2. You fancy being a zombie for a bit
1. You have spent the last four years held captive in a basement being repeatedly tortured and abused by an incredibly brutal sadist

Top Five Episodes of 24

5. The one where Jack Bauer whispers
4. The one where Jack Bauer looks annoyed
3. The one where Jack Bauer sneaks about near some storage containers
2. The one where Jack Bauer gets a mysterious threatening phone call
1. The one where Jack Bauer eats ice cream

World Cup Special

Welcome to Munchen, foot-fans! Moran Hat is here to report on the World Cup and to be first to bring you all the goals, gaffs, girls and gulls that are sure to occur!

News:

Samba Style!
The players/footballers from Serbia and Montenegro have taken to eating raw meat in an effort to improve the efficiency of their offside trap. Coach, Minky Munky says "We will bathe in the blood of our enemies' children". That's quite some goal!

Shirts and Pants!
Several teams at the 2006 World Cup are sporting new style shirts designed using the latest technology and assembled by babies in dungeons in China. Always striving to produce the best, lightest and most arousing kits, manufacturers such as Umbro, Admiral and Troop have furnished some of the world's best teams with sport shirts that include dazzling new features such as:

Costa Rica - Detachable collar
England - Breast pocket for storage of 2 x tomato ketchup sachets
Italy - Shirt made entirely of paint
Barnsley - In-built grenades

MATCH REPORT: Togo 0:0 Iran
Football is coming home! This was never going to be an easy game for the footballers of these countries. Iran were looking to bounce back from their last game in which they were defeated 4-0 by the referee and Togo were forced to field a team partly made up of inflatable replica players after four of their players, Nwankwo Stinkata, Barnald Walpergicide, David Oilflesh and their star striker, Mop were trapped in a refrigerator for eight minutes before the game, and became "too cold to play".

The crowd made horrible noises throughout, as men kicked the ball and ran into different positions. There was also some spitting and pushing.

This result means that England can never win the World Cup again.

Top Five Worst Things That Can Possibly Happen

5. The bin liner splits while you're emptying the bin
4. You make yourself a nice brew and then forget to drink it
3. You nip out in the car for two minutes and get back to find someone else parked in the space outside your house
2. You hear some Toploader on the radio
1. You're on the phone trying to renew your insurance and your perineum explodes

Top Five Nintendo Wii Launch Titles

5. Super Stick Wiggling
4. Eat Your Dinner - Touch!
3. Super Mario Moustache Combing
2. Kirby's Magical House Painter
1. Super Schoolgirl Sex Tentacle Simulator

Top Five Hobbies

5. Ironing
4. Sitting
3. Thinking about ironing
2. Moving
1. Writing sex letters to Preston off Big Brother

Top Five Ways to Show Your Patriotism During the World Cup

5. Attach little plastic St George flag (£2.99) to car
4. Drape St George flag out of bedroom window. Make sure to leave it there for years after the world cup has finished, until it becomes increasingly grey and ragged and eventually completely dissolves.
3. Sing a song about hating the IRA
2. Buy a new pair of Reebok Classics
1. Attack local kebab shop