Snow hits America. Americans 'terrified'.

New Yorkers were left cowering in terror this weekend as unprecedented amounts of snow fell from the sky on to the ground. Central Park - a major thoroughfare and favourite commuting route for Americans all over America - suffered a massive 68.3 cm (26.9 inches) of snow. Buff American, an American New Yorker who contacted us, gave us this eyewitness account: "The snow came down suddenly, like the icy rain of death. It was swarming all around and people were starting to panic. We've all been on High Red Alert recently because of all the Terror, and naturally we suspected the worst. What if this 'snow' is just the start of Bin Laden's chemical warfare attacks!"

Buff's paranoid rantings may seem bizarre, perhaps even hysterical - yet similar thoughts passed through the minds of America's highest government officials. An urgent warning was sent to all major media outlets, warning Americans to stay in their homes as there was a "very real danger that this snow is cursed by Jihads". Samples were caught and tested by important men with scientific qualifications in biohazard suits, but tests for anthrax were 'inconclusive'.





Snow, or something more sinister? America is unsure.







America has been brought to a complete standstill by the storms, which have been described by American weatherman Wilf Stormy as 'pretty bad'. Major American airports have been forced to close, roads are icy and treacherous, and several Americans have slipped over whilst walking - meaning thousands of innocent citizens have been subjected to potentially lethal falls. Several citizens have also complained that they are cold, and some have been rushed to hospital with sniffly noses and numb extemities - both listed as early-warning symptoms of a poison gas attack.




A big explosion - one of the results of terrorism against Americans.




A press release from the White House stresses that the snowfall "could be the work of Muslims", but "it is possible that it's just snow". The message to Americans is clear: "Stay in your homes. Be wary of snow or snow-like substance, and treat it as highly dangerous. But most importantly - do not panic."

Underground Awards Show Announced

A new, controversial music awards show is to be held next month, as a response to the 'mainstream, do-nothing, say-nothing homogenised blandness that is the Brits'. The organiser of the Smash! Awards, Trent Gudgeon, told us that "people are sick of being told what to listen to, how to listen to it, and when to listen. To it. The Smash! Awards are all about Smash!ing through the artificial boundaries imposed on our ears by record labels and big businesses, and becoming aware of alternative ways of music!"

Traditional music awards shows such as the Brits tend to reward artists who have sold a large number of records, or have received critical acclaim. Mr. Gudgeon told us that this is unfair on less talented artists, and he intends the Smash! Awards to reflect a wider range of music. "All bands and solo artists will be equally represented in the Smash! Awards - regardless of record sales, ability, or any of that bullshit! We're considering giving an award to a new band who haven't even written any songs yet, that's how cutting edge these awards are going to be."

Instead of the usual 'best male solo artist' and 'best British album' awards, the Smash! Awards are going to feature awards such as 'most subversive haircut', 'artist most likely to bring down the Government', 'most dangerously provocative video' and 'sexiest female'. Mr. Gudgeon seethed: "The Brit Awards, or - ha! - 'Shit' Awards, as I like to call them, are so predictable it's laughable! Same categories, time after time. The Smash! Awards are going to have entirely new categories every year. To keep the bands on their toes."

A unique way of getting new, underground and exciting music across to a wider audience, we can only wish Trent Gudgeon the very best of luck with his radical new vision for the future of awards ceremonies.

The first annual Smash! Awards will be presented by Paris Hilton, and are due to be held in a field in March. Annie Lennox, James Blunt and the Kaiser Chiefs are all tipped to win.

Sounds Smash!ing.

Crisps And Snacks: Banned

The Government today announced a total ban of the consumption of all crisps, nuts and snack foods in public areas. The legislation is due to be rushed through parliament, and is expected to come into effect in August 2009. John Cautious, the newly appointed Minister for Health, Nutrition and Patronising Laws, announced today that "in today's society, more and more people are choosing to eat high-fat junk foods with poor nutritional value. We believe that people should not be allowed to make choices unless they are good ones".

Heart disease, greasy thighs, obesity, high blood pressure, soft bones, and increased cholesterol are all on the increase. Top scientist Dan Petri reckons things could be very different if only people would eat things that are good for them: "They don't eat what's good for them, they eat things that are nice instead". The health laws have been pushed to the top of the Government's list of priorities after a girl was found to be 400% of her ideal weight, after having eaten nothing but crisps and lard since she was 6. Dan Petri told us that this is "not a healthy diet".

Ministers are faced with a set of choices as to how the ban should be implemented. The Government's ideal outcome would be a total ban of the consumption of snack-foods in any public area (including schools, workplaces, public houses and oil rigs), and a strict rationing system per household. At the other end of the scale is an option to allow the public consumption of 'baked not fried' products, but only in pubs which already serve food. Interestingly, the actual purchase of the snacks in question is unlikely to be made illegal - however, the actual consumption of just one packet of nuts could soon result in a six-month suspended sentence.

One proposed poster to make the public aware of the new laws will feature a screaming obese man, shouting: "Why don't you just pour grease straight into your veins! It's the same thing!". Chemists have already started stocking 'salt n starch' patches to help people to kick the habit, but public opinion generally seems to be that the Government have gone too far. We asked some people in the street, and the words 'nanny state', 'Big Brother', 'political correctness gone mad', and 'delicious crisps' were mentioned in almost every conversation. Roger Fringe, a member of the public, told us: "When I go to the pub, I like to have a packet of crisps with my pint and my fag. Who doesn't! Sometimes I'll have some pork scratchings. It's my choice, and I'm not hurting anybody. Now I'm going to be treated like a criminal!"

Publicans and newsagents are stocking up to 6 times their normal quantities of crisps and nuts, in preparation for the public stampede to consume as many snacks as they can before the ban comes into effect. We've already had reports of parents filling their childrens' school bags with Pringles and encouraging them to eat them at every possible opportunity. Parents' group KidLove told us: "This will show the Government that we are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves, and for our children."

Cartoon Protests Escalate

The world continues its slide towards apocalypse as violent flashpoints over cartoons have appeared in more countries. Rolf Harris found himself under siege from a large mob of protesters, enraged by the low quality of his drawings on Rolf's Cartoon Time. Carrying banners with slogans such as "That looks fuck all like Tweety Pie", "We can't tell what it is yet!" and "Draw properly you twat", the angry mob gathered outside the kindly beard-wearer's home yesterday and chanted "Death to Rolf!" while setting fire to one of those wobbly bits of wood he used to piss about with. Mr Harris, fearing for his life was able to make his escape by distracting the protesters with his large collection of disabled kittens stolen from Animal Hospital.

This latest disturbance comes hot on the heels of major rioting in Boston where crowds had taken to the streets, intent on trouble after an episode of the Simpsons was shown which was deemed to be "nowhere near as good as it used to be". The city burned for 48 hours, with the situation eventually only being calmed by Simpsons creator Matt Groening being airlifted into the area and drawing numerous pictures of Homer Simpson eating donuts, saying "D'oh!" and falling over.

In an effort to quell any further unrest, a simultaneous worldwide screening of The Lion King has been planned. UN spokesman Pumpy D'Artagnan thinks this is the only way to appease the extremist cartoon fans: "Everybody likes the Lion King, don't they? It's so amazingly good, with those Elton John songs. So this should shut them up."

It is not, however clear if this will be enough, and there are already reported incidents of cartoon fans going to crowded places and drawing pictures of explosions on large pieces of paper.