This Will Be the News

Here at Moran Hat, being the kind of rich, intelligent and attractive people who get to rub shoulders with the world's most important figures like Nelson Mandela, Jorge Garcia and Stalin means that we're privvy to some pretty incredible things, such as the time we were shown the true location of Terry Wogan's house by Kofi Anan, or when we got that email from that woman about that thing.

Anyway, it being the start of a new decade or something, it's traditional for educational pamphlets such as ours to offer their readers predictions for stuff that might happen over the course of the next year. Usually this takes the form of a mixture of the obvious (Paris Hilton to give birth to oxen) to the outrageous (David Cameron to eat some drugs) in order to provoke laughter and delight.

We at Moran Hat however, say "Piff!" and "Thrunt!" to such hackneyed tactics, and have conjured up an entirely new level of worthless tripe. Yes! That's correct. After months of secret negotiations, at a secret location with a secret person (Richard Briers) we secured access to the world's only working time machine and have used it, not to go back in time and play golf with assassinate Adolf Hitler, or ride around on the backs of triceratops. No, dear reader, we have instead set forth into the future, braving battalions of witches and sex-tories to secure a copy of the Daily Telegraph from January 12th 2007! So that you might read the headlines contained therein and be amazed and amazed some more. "Miracle!", you cry? "Yes!", we say and then nod slowly.

Incredible! The news from 2007:

BARRYMORE: I LOVE DOG
Likeable bum warrior, Michael Barrymore has revealed his 12 year love affair with a dog. "He's a good swimmer" says the troubled entertainer...

FISH AND GAYS: "WAR WITHIN DAYS" SAYS U.N.
The simmering tensions between fish and gay people are expected to escalate to all out war, if a solution is not found to the current dispute over cravats...


INSIDE GORDON BROWN'S DEATH SQUADS
"It's terrifying" says man...

WRESTLER CRUSHES CHILD WITH XBOX
One minute he was playing Sonic, the next he was all flat. See the full color diagram of this gruesome incident in the centre pages...

LOST STAR'S ADMISSION: "WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY LOST"
Actor, Guts Maloney says that they knew where they were the whole time. America burns...

POSH TITS
Liz Hurley or someone...

Well, there you go. Looks like 2007 is going to be the best year ever. If we're really lucky, Robbie Williams will die as well.