Chef Off!

Line-faced, tough TV chef, Gordon Ramsay has today spoken of his joy after he was awarded damages of £99 against the West Lancashire Echo. The newspaper had published an article entitled "Cook not Cock" in which it claimed that despite the muscular Ramsay's reputation as a foul mouthed bastard, he was in fact "perfectly well mannered" and did not actually swear. The article then went on to detail how the TV production company involved with "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares", "Hell's Kitchen" and "Ready, Steady... Fuck" had to hire specialist swearing experts to add on words such as "Shit", "Shitting Shit" and "Shitto" in post-production. These curse-techs were reported to work for upwards of 12 hours on each episode of Ramsay's TV output, ensuring that each profanity was just the right level of offensiveness to enhance his reputation as an sexy maniac.

Ramsay, looking tanned and ready for anything had this to say after leaving court today: "BEEP! These BEEEPs have got to BEEEPing realise that I'm BEEEP BEEEEP. I'm not BEEEEPing BEEEP BEEEP. If any BEEEEP tries to BEEEEEEP my BEEEEEP, I'll BEEEEEP!"

Ramsay's next project is rumoured to be a cookery programme for children entitled "Big Cunt, Little Cunt."