Bad Apples

Waitrose have announced that they are to start selling an 'ugly' range of fruit which would normally be rejected due to its grotesqueness. This includes wrong-shaped bananas, apples which are the wrong shade of red, and funny-looking tomatoes.

Waitrose's customers, who are used to paying a premium for only the best produce, will soon have the chance to buy strange-looking fruit which even Asda would usually throw away. It is hoped that the discounted spazzy fruit will be snapped up by frugal shoppers, thus helping to reduce food waste and encourage less prejudice based on appearance.

We at Moran Hat were granted a sneak preview of the new range of fruit, before they are made officially available to the public on Monday. They included:

• apples with brown bits on them
• shrivelled-up grapes
• amusing bananas
• a kiwi fruit which, when cut open, resembled the face of popular Irish funnyman Patrick Kielty
• a strawberry that looked like a poo

Shoppers at Waitrose have reacted angrily to the news. "This is going to encourage the sort of shopper here that you would normally find at the Co-op!" spat one outraged middle-class woman. "The heroin addicts are going to be moving out of the toilets... and into the fruit section!" she continued, dramatically.

Waitrose have denied claims that the new ugly range of fruit is actually just their organic selection with the mud washed off.