Album Of Newly Discovered Beethoven Music To Be Released

Music legend Ludwig Van Beethoven is set to return to the charts, almost 180 years after his death. An album of unreleased music by the great composer, whose hits include Ode To Joy, Moonlight Sonata and the Fifth Symphony, has been put together from a recently discovered hoard of manuscripts and recordings.

The new material, which is thought to be the most significant find in musical history, is said to have been discovered under a pipe in Vienna by producer Trevor Horn. Horn was staying in a run down apartment in the city after an argument over gambling debts, and was totally stunned when he spotted a small chest under the floorboards. "When I realised what I had got my hands on, I knew that the whole world deserved to have the chance to buy this music", he told reporters.

Horn decided that the best way to present the discovery, which mostly contains juvenilia, half written pieces from when the composer was dying of lead poisoning, and scratchy recordings of b-sides, would be as a full length album. He set about reconstructing and, where necessary, completing the music using a line up of contemporary stars.

The album is set to be released on P Diddy's Bad Boy Records label. "Aight! Beethoven is the original G Mack Daddy", P Diddy told us. "Long before even the greats like Phil Collins and Sting, there was the greatest. Rest in peace, homie!"

Other current stars were keen to add their voices. "Without Beethoven I would never have got into music." said Daniel Powter, whose new single is out on Monday. "I'd say his songs... er whatever he did, it must have been really great."

Stupid hatted wanker Jay Kay also said something, but no-one cared.

The album is to be trailed by a single, "Overture from Pimp Rollin'". This song, the most complete from the cache, has been remixed by A Guy Called Gerald and features rapping by Herbert Von Karajan. It is expected to be a massive hit by pundits. A nine minute promo video has been made for the single by Hammer & Tongs, and features portraits of the legendary composer flying through virtual space. Over a hundred other faces from music's past, including Kurt Cobain, Tupac Shakur and James Blunt also star in the video, paying tribute to Beethovan thanks to new digital animation technology.

Beethoven experts have been clamouring to get their hands on the new material, but so far the label have refused to allow anyone to see it in case it gets into the hands of Internet pirates. "People be saying that the material might not be 100% authentic," said Diddy. "I say, let the music speak for itself. Everyone will have a chance to find out for themselves next month."

Return of Comic!

Boy genius, Chester Mouthflaws has just emailed us the latest episode in the epic saga of Inferno Hitler and Space Rasputin. Check it out here, now! Quick!

Berkshire Police Unveil Controversial New Uniforms

Berkshire Police have revealed their new uniform for officers on the beat amid a storm of controversy. Detractors claim that the uniform, which is expected to come into service by the end of this month, presents an inappropriate image for community policing.

The uniform was first demonstrated yesterday at a press conference in front of the county's media and glitterati. To a soundtrack of hi-NRG trance, officers paraded their new outfits down a raised catwalk emblazened with the force's new insignia - a fist with a halo of flame. The new uniform for beat officers incorporates a tough wearing black leather shorts and vest, complemented by knee length jackboots and a peaked cap - also black. The detective uniform, which incorporates a matching black trenchcoat was displayed by a model striking leonine poses on a revolving platform.

The highpoint of the display came when two officers, who are now to be known as "boyz", demonstrated a technique for disabling and handcuffing a suspect using the force's new electrified truncheons - all to the sound of a pumping version of "Respect" by Erasure. The officers then made guns with their hands and aimed them around the auditorium in time to the music. Response to the show was highly enthusiastic, with several members of the audience fainting, while others declared it a "triumph of the will".

In attendence was french fashion luminary Jean Jacque Pouvelle, who designed the uniform. "When I design I look beyond the outfit and into the soul," he told us. "I really wanted to be bringing the brutality... the animal side. I feel with this collection I have achieved that." Pouvelle then ended the interview by locking himself in a toilet cubicle with a cage full of rare birds and a bell jar.

Some members of the public have already voiced concerns about the nature of the design, claiming that the uniforms will lend an unapproachable, totalitarian air to their bobbies. "When I was young I remember the local plod coming around on his cycle. He was tough but fair, and if you got a clip around the ear you knew you deserved it", one local resident bored us. "These new uniforms just take the biscuit. My wife didn't fight and die in the war so these police could goosestep around like Europeans."

Police Chief Huxtable was quick to rebuff claims that the black uniform was intended to be anything but practical. "The people who are complaining don't seem to realise that police work has moved into the twenty first century." he said in a statement. "Perhaps they are harking back to times when the main problems we dealt with were apple scrumping and the odd riot. Nowadays we have to deal with domestic terrorism and cyber-rioters, and we need uniforms to reflect that change."

"Police work has become much more dangerous. Dangerous and sexy."

The Goose(Man) that Layed(Pooed) the Golden Egg(Poo)

A Birmingham man has become the world's first pootrepeneur, by crapping out solid gold stools and selling them on ebay.

Julian Gallhound, who has previously worked as a part time beefeater for Cilla Black, discovered his amazing talent for producing precious faeces while recovering from a personal tragedy.

"It was in the summer of last year" remembers Julian, "I had just got out of hospital where I had been recovering from a savage gaybashing by the local police, even though I'm not actually a gay. They're totally racist. Anyway, to make myself feel better, I went down to Asda and stocked up on a box of Bacardi Breezers and about fifty Kinder Eggs. I then binged myself right up on these while watching Robocop on DVD and fell asleep. The next morning, it was incredible. I'd shat myself as usual, but amongst the stinking man dirt, was a little gold statue of a monster or something."

Julian scooped up the filthy trophy and showed it to his mum, who just so happens to be an expert in precious metals and after a quick wipe she confirmed that it was indeed made of solid gold. "I immediately knew then that I was blessed. I felt like Jesus himself had smiled upon my poo," rasped Julian "and if I could repeat the feat, I'd be set up for life. So I went back to Asda, got my supplies and got back down to it, although this time I watched Robocop 2." Again, Julian's rectum produced golden treats and he hatched a plan. "I knew that some of my friends were well into that ebay, and people will buy any old shit on there, so why not my GOLD shit? Eh?"

Julian has since received several orders for his ploppy treasures and is expecting to reap the rewards soon. "It's amazing," Julian enthused "So far all my customers have been from Nigeria. I expect they like this sort of shit over there. You know, the blacks. I've sent them my bank account details and am just waiting for them to transfer the money to me. I can't bloody wait! I'm going to buy a big telly and some designer jeans when I get paid."

Are you like Julian? Do you have unusual things coming out of your anus? If so, please take a picture of your shit and email us at buminterest@moranhat.co.uk with the results.