Pirates Begin Strike

Pirates around the World today downed cutlasses for what is expected to be the first of several week long strikes. The action was called by SCUM, the Scabrous Corsair Union of Mariners, citing increasingly poor working conditions and terms of employment as the reason.

Instead of the usual daily onslaught of chainshot, grappling hook boardings and pillage, cruiseline passengers this morning were treated to the unusual sight of buccaneer ships holding a picketline around popular pirate sites such as Dead Man's Cove, Skull Island and Shingles Reef. In addition, the fearsome Jolly Roger flag had been taken down in many cases and replaced with banners calling for reform.

Union leaders say that the strike is a direct result of a sore lack of plunder and virgin bottoms to despoil onboard modern shipping. "Was a time you couldn't overrun a ship without looting a haul of chests o' gold doubloons and ripe cabin boys," says lifetime pirate Bastard Pete. "Nowadays, seems all they ever have is travellers cheques and crates full of cheap t-shirts from China."

In addition to this, the union is claiming that pirate working conditions have failed to keep pace with employment law, especially in the area of healthcare and retirement packages. "Piracy is as hazardous business as it was centuries ago, but the medical support just hasn't moved on," says Union representative "Blackheart" Winstanly-Smythe. "Pirate injuries are still being treated with peglegs and eye patches. It's barbaric." Scurvy is also a serious problem among pirates, even though limes have been widely available in other professions such as law and accountancy for years.

Corsairs have also come under increasing pressure in their work as they often encounter anti-pirate slogans on shipping, including "pirates=filth" and "plunder is theft". There have also been reported cases of pirate ships being lured into council estates, only to be pelted with stones by local children. This abuse has got so bad that many pirates refuse to raid in certain areas.

Pirate numbers have been on the decline in recent years, largely due to the inability of their antique sailships to keep up with ship engines and the ineffectiveness of the traditional cannon and curved swords against modern weapons. Economic analyists predict that the trade will die out altogether within the next thirty years as all the World's remaining treasure supplies are buried on desert islands. The only solution might be for pirates to locate buried treasure using their old cryptic maps and give it back to people to resteal later.

But many senior pirates are against this plan. "Even with all this modern GPS tracking, we couldn't find the treasure." says Bastard Pete. "Those old maps were often written by captains drunk on plundered rum, and X often doesn't mark the right island, let alone the spot. I say leave it buried. "

"I was born a pirate and I will die a pirate, most likely on the sword of the governer as I ravish his daughter. Arrr."

Gruesome Fate of Pop Group Decided by Text Vote

Super singing sensations the Black Eyed Peas have made entertainment history by becoming the first group to be destroyed for public amusement. Following the failure of their last single Stinky Love Bummy which entered the chart at number two but failed to dent the number one position still held by James Blunt, the Peas were instructed by their record company, Funkadunka Records that all but one of them would face public execution.

Viewers of Channel 4's T4 were invited to choose from ten funky fates for the Blacks, by texting in the name of the member they wanted to die the most and after an incredibly close-run contest in which death lust for each member reached incredible levels, the results have been announced as follows:

Taboo

Death vote: 38%

Method of demise: Intestines removed with spatula, face eaten by child, brain replaced with Banana Muller Rice (his favourite)

Last word to fans: Peace to the god, word is bond, hup da hup yo piss!

Alex "Fergie" Ferguson

Death vote: 29%

Method of demise: Shot at close range with a bazooka, remains weed on by Jeremy Clarkson

Last word to fans: Fuck you fuckers. Fuck you in the ass, the lot of you.


Darren Smith

Death vote: 18%

Method of demise: Axed in the chops loads of times

Last word to fans: What? Who? I don't know what you're talking about. The Black Eyed Peas? No, I think you've got the wrong chap here. No, really.


Fuckhead Peterson

Death vote: 15%

Method of demise: SAVED!

Last word to fans: I never liked those other guys anyway. Kill them good.



The killings will be done live on stage after the Black Eyed Peas' final concert and will be shown live on Channel 4, in an extravanganza of bloodlust presented by Vernon Kay and Prince Charles.

The surviving member, Fuckhead Peterson will then be launched as a solo artist in the hope that the sympathy vote for his slain colleagues will be enough to dislodge Blunt from the top of the pops.

His first single, a cover of Beautiful by James Blunt is due to hit stores soon.

Actor's Balls

George Clooney's testicles were declared sentient in a ceremony in Los Angeles yesterday. The fleshy rounds, now to be referred to as The Great Lord of Destruction (the left one) and Michael Flatley (the right one) have been pushing for independence from the staggeringly handsome actor since they came to life during an accident with a radioactive piece of wood on the set of Batman and Robin.

The glitzy ceremony in which a buddhist monk washed the balls in goat's milk, was attended by some of Clooney's Hollywood pals, such as Martin Short, Martin Landau and Steve Martin. Clooney declared he was happy with the new status for his balls, "My balls, to me they're like buddies. Buddy balls. BUDDY BALLS!" The lovely faced screen star then performed a song he had written for the occasion called "The Greatest Love of Balls" and at the song's climax, clambered atop an eight foot podium and removed his testicles with an axe.

Showbiz insiders are predicting big things for the balls, and it is rumoured that they have already been lined up to appear in the next series of Lost.

Sadly, George Clooney died of massive balls loss shortly after the ceremony. He will be buried in a coffin with a big window in it so that everyone can look at his nice face for eternity.

Goss! Showbiz! Wow!

A TITANIC MATCH! Shockwaves reverberated through Hollywood last week with the unexpected anouncement that two of Tinseltown's biggest power players are set to marry. A. Hugo Gutierrez Cuellar (best know for his second second assistant director role on Titanic) is believe to have proposed to Lisa Zusmer (senior visual effects coordinator on Spider-man) during a romantic break in Salt Lake City.

"I am, quite simply, heartbroken," said Cuellar's mother, who is reported to have said over last year's Christmas dinner that Zusmer is "a bit of a snidey bitch." Also heartbroken are Cuellar's legion of fans, including several of us gals here at Hat Towers! The pair are expected to marry in late September - tissues at the ready, girls!

FASHION TIPZ! Hot! hot! hot! this season - as ever - are pretty, a-line floral-print skirts, teamed with cute accessories (think chunky bangles, over-sized beads and sparkly hairclips!), 50's style pastel cardigans and kitten heels. On the left, Gavin is wearing a skirt from Muji (£59.99), and River Island patent leather and sterling silver braces (£22); feet are model's own.

For women, the best new look we've seen this past fortnight is The Tracey Emin. All around Hat Towers girls are throwing out their inhibitions and proudly pounding the streets in unwashed hair and ill-fitting charity shop wear. In the office, we're particularly loving our work experience girl Emsy, who came in on Tuesday wearing naught but a soiled nappy and a peephole bra. And she's only 15! Outrageous!

SPOTTED!
Gwyneth Paltrow eating hotdogs straight from the tin in Kingston-upon-Hull!
Well 'Ard the dog from Eastenders forraging in bins along Manchester's trendy Deansgate!
Kerry Katona offering blow jobs for 99p double cheeseburgers outside St Pancras Station!
Eva Braun trying on frilly knickers in Agent Provocateur, High Street Kensington!

World Health Organisation Announces World's Top Diseases

The World Health Organization, the United Nations specialized agency for health has announced the top ten diseases causing the biggest problems in the world today. The full, horrifying top ten list is as follows:

1. Spiders
2. Dirt on leg
3. Smell of wee
4. Rottedness
5. Gayness
6. Falling over
7. Hitler
8. Dark thoughts
9. Injured by trebuchet
10. Radioactive mobile phone brain hotness

The increased danger from spiders has come as a shock to many, but it is believed that approximately one in four deaths worldwide is now caused by a spider. Spider expert, Parlour Monkeytrick feels the problems will only get worse: "With many spiders now carrying guns and operating in organised terror gangs these problems are inevitable. In fact, if current spidopredictions prove correct, by the year 2009, the human race could be all but extinct."

Findings from Police Tube Shooting Inquiry Are Released

An inquest into the shooting of a man by armed police on the 22 July has found that victim Jean Charles de Menezes ran into Stockwell tube station mowing down anyone in his way with a submachine gun. Upon reaching the barriers, he pulled the pin out a grenade with his teeth and tossed it back at the pursuing officers, leaping away from the ensuing explosion in slow motion.

de Menezes then made his way onto a crowded train where he cunningly disguised himself as a commuter. Police followed him onto the train but were unable to locate him, splitting up to search the carriages more thoroughly. Officer Goose saw a suspicious bulge in a small girl's coat and ripped it open to reveal a bomb jacket, only to hear the sound of the Brazilian terror mastermind's gun cocking directly behind his head.

With de Menezes holding Goose, who was only one day away from retirement, as a human shield, it was up to maverick cop John Bruckheimer to save the day. Bruckheimer tried to talk the madman down, but it was no use as the brazilian was too far gone on his descent into evil. de Menezes fired a bullet directly into Officer Goose's brain before raising his gun to shoot Bruckheimer. With a split second to react, Bruckheimer chambered a round and blasted the top of de Menezes's head off.

"Terrorise this!" he quipped, before blasting the rest of the brazilian electrician's face to pieces, causing the crowd of commuters to burst into spontaneous applause. Bruckheimer then went to the side of his fallen comrade, who just had time to pass on his love for his wife and children before dying photogenically.

The commission have therefore cleared the officers involved of all wrong doing, though those pen pushers down at City Hall have insisted that Officer Bruckheimer be suspended for doing his job, dammit!

CD Review Round Up: Shed Seven, Coldplay and Megadeth

Shed Seven - Pig Race (for Gold)

Shed Seven have always been the thinking man's indie-dance band and with this, their thity-ninth album, they have finally hit the heights they have threatened to for a long time.

Opening track What is in My Anus? sets the tone with a barrage of groovy indie riffs, supreme indie drums and indie bassplaying all topped off by famous singer, Rick Witter's soaring vocals. This high standard is maintained throughout the album which may be considered a sort of indie version of Blood on the Tracks and is a fitting epitaph for Shed Seven, who have recently announced that they are to hang up their boots after a disagreement over a packet of crisps led to irreconcilable differences between guitarist, Steve Vai and drummer, Paul Drummer.

Recommended Tracks: What is in My Anus?, Stealth Crisps and the epic Lord Morgusstroth and the Battle of Deepenwound


Coldplay - Fuck Motorbike

The release of Coldplay's fourth album, Fuck Motorbike sees them installed as the world's second biggest super-power with the globe's CD buying public cowering at their feet and legions of slaves willing to carry out their every wish.

Previously, Chris Martin and chums' agenda has been overtly altruistic, but it seems that Fuck Motorbike represents a shift in focus. Gone are the sentiments from songs such as X&Y's The Poor, Poor Blacks or Bono Told Me About the Bads from their debut album, Parachutes and in their place are songs such as the quasi hip hop leanings of Death Thrust Space Attack and the tender ballad, My Bank Account is Full. Whether this new direction will prove a hit with their fans is debatable, but they probably don't care.

Recommended Tracks: N/A

Megadeth - Farming is My Business... and Business is Poor!

Irrelevent thrash metallers, Megadeth attempt to reinvigorate their career with this concept album about the problems faced by farmers these days.

While not recommended for everyone, this album should prove a hit with sadists, lawyers and dicks.


Recommended Tracks: Imagine Trying to Do Farming When There's a Nuclear Bomb Just Exploded in Your Chicken Coop, Megacow, and Ultimate Destruction of Tractor

Anti-Paedophile Laws Hit Children’s TV Nostalgia

This is the face of the first man to be charged with intent to fiddle kiddies under the new Camberwick Green Act, implemented last Friday after ministers decided it was inappropriate for those "of an adult nature" to discuss at great length television programmes intended for those "of a small nature".

Children's Minister Beverley Hughes commented, "There is something inherently perverse and wrong about a grown adult who chooses to devote any portion of their time to thinking about entertainments created for the eyes of babes, and I intend to put a stop to this sort of activity."

The man pictured is Gerard Forecourt, a 30 year old assistant librarian from Nantwich, Cheshire who ran the site http://www.noddyandfriends.co.uk/ (which has been indefinitely removed from the internet). He is currently being held on the Sidney Cooke Wing for Nonces and Pooves at HMP Belmarsh, awaiting trial by media.

Previously disregarded as a pastime for the socially inept, children's TV nostalgia has now been revealed as a gateway to far more insidious activities - a million miles removed from the innocence of childhood favourites such as The Clangers, Button Moon, and The Sweeney.

Following the law's implementation, an eerie new hush has befallen conversation in pubs and on internet messageboards. Where self-indulgent nostalgia discussions were previously de rigueur, friends now look at each other and wonder, "Does his love of The Mysterious Cities of Gold hide a deeper sickness?"

Particularly hard-hit, also, is Channel 4, whose schedulers last night held crisis talks, whilst the channel transmitted 'dead air'. In the early hours of this morning it was announced the outcome of these talks would be 'T4: Evening', a magazine-show featuring "classic" episodes of The OC, Friends, and bi-weekly, 3-hour long editions of Popworld. "This is a new start for us," promised Channel 4's Vernon Kaye, "Channel 4 is no longer a haven for the vile pariahs of these shores."

Police wish to speak to Stuart Maconie, believed to be in hiding. If you have any information about Mr Maconie's whereabouts, please ring NonceLine on 0800 100 200.

Black Hole Army Invades Chipping Sodbury

The town of Chipping Sodbury has been occupied by an expeditionary force of the Black Hole Army. Citizens were surprised upon waking this morning to find themselves under martial law, enforced by an elite cadre of soldiers.

It is thought that the Black Hole forces marched on the quiet market town via the A432 from Yate, with an advance force of neo tanks arriving just before breakfast. Sleepy residents were taken completely by surprise as the purple clad troops arrived and set up checkpoints around the town.

"I was in the back yard hanging out my smalls when I heard a great rumbling noise", said local resident Eileen Clemency, who witnessed the invasion. "Suddenly all these helmetted soldiers were coming down the alley and trampling my primroses. It was all very exciting."

In a televised statement, the town's Mayor has appeared appealing for calm. "The Black Hole CO has assured me that no-one will come to harm as long as we cooperate fully. The best thing we can do now is accept the rule of our new overlords and hope that all of this blows over."

Black Hole CO Hawke then made a brief appearance. "Black Hole claims this town and its citizens to do with as we please. Black Hole will last a million years. Our enemies will suffer a million deaths. Cower before our might!"

Some local residents were unmoved by the broadcast, including pensioner Frederick Anusol. "One minute it's this common EU, the next, the forrins are invading our town. I tell you, next they'll be taking our Great British Pound away. I was in the war!"

The occupation has been peaceful, except for one reported incident in which farmer Bill Cockrot's tractor was destroyed by a rocket emplacement en route to market. Unfortunately, no-one was hurt.

Home Secretary Charles Clark has so far declined to reply, as it is not his turn yet.

Man Ports Doom to Pet Cat

A Texan gamer has announced that he has managed to successfully run Doom on his pet cat.

Arnold Lonely (34), has a history of doing amazing and brilliant computer things such as porting Super Mario to his calculator, but this represents the pinnacle of his achievements: "People said it couldn't be done, but I wouldn't give up. Sure, the first seventeen cats I tried it on all died horribly, but when something is this important, you just gotta follow your dream."

Arnold with his cat, Kraken Basket has been showing off the wonders of Cat Doom to his friends. "People are amazed by what I have done," says Arnold, "Especially when I show them the UI. Sure, you gotta stick your hand up the cat's ass, but let me tell you, it's not the first thing I've had to stick up there and I'm pretty sure he kinda likes it now"

Arnold's future plans include getting Pac Man to run on a hamburger and going out of the house.

Tories Announce Plans to Unleash Inferno Hitler at Upcoming By-election

In a drastic move designed to appeal to their grass roots following, the Conservative Party has announced plans for Inferno Hitler to contest the upcoming by-election in the Somerset town of Shankton-Upon-Holey.

Michael Howard has assured the party faithful that Inferno Hitler is up to the task. "When you consider the popular appeal that Hitler enjoyed in Nazi Germany, it is an easy decision for me to lend Inferno Hitler my full support. He is a man of action, a man of principle, and what's more, he has incredible super powers which enable him to set things on fire, a bit like that bloke from the Fantastic Four."

Little is known about Inferno Hitler himself, but it is thought that he has spent the last few decades on Mars battling with Space Rasputin, before his recent decision to return to politics.

Shock As Chart Star Gunned Down

Chart topping singer-songwriter James Blunt has been shot dead in a gun battle. The attack happened last night in Central London at 2048 GMT as Blunt was being driven to his hotel in a limousine. Witnesses saw several masked men step out into the street before opening fire on the car with automatic weapons. Blunt and his companions are then thought to have exchanged gunshots with the unknown assailants before the 27 year old star was critically wounded. The gunmen fled the scene.

The Metropolitan Police have so far refused to comment on whether the killing may be related to the murder of Daniel Powter last month. The rivalry between the two singers was well publicised, sparking rumours that the shooting was an act of vengeance by Powter's label. It is feared that there might be further bloodshed as the cycle of violence spirals out of control.

"This shit has got to stop", commented veteran DJ Steve Wright. "How many more promising young talents must we lose before we stand up and say 'stop the violence'? Ain't no East Coast-West Coast, color thing."

Science off Big Brother "The Solution to the Iraq Problem" Says Blair

Following high level meetings between Tony Blair and Davina McCall, it has been announced that evicted Big Brother supergenius Science (real name "Walter Piss"), has been secretly flown into Iraq as a last ditch effort to put an end to the killing and the messing about and the general hoo-ha.

At a press conference held before Science was sent to Iraq in a space helicopter, Blair said, "We have tried elections, blowing people up and that, and none of it has worked, so now we're sending in the one man that we think is capable of restoring order to the country. The plan is that they'll treat him as their god."

Science himself said "Mr Blair is correct. Power to the people! You get me?"
Upon his arrival in Mosul, Science, decked out in his traditional shit hat was greeted by a huge crowd of well wishers, who chanted his name for over ten minutes.

When asked for a message to his new followers, Science simply said, "I am from the hood. Don't diss my music. You get me?" and then cut the arse off a chicken.

Reaction to the installation of Science as godhead was mixed with some, such as local Iraqi dance instructor, Dave Baghdad saying, "It's quite good yeah, cos he's a good rapper. But to be honest yeah, most people would have preferred Eugene."

Others were not so pleased, with a crowd of around 75 insurrectionists staging a dirty protest in the toilets of Mosul Starbucks.

Viking Link to London Bombings?

Britain was today left reeling like a drunken dog, as new photo enhancement techniques revealed that the four men who carried out the suicide bombings in London on July 7th, were kitted out not just with rucksacks full of bombs, but also with massive beards and horned helmets.

Police experts and science boffins have studied this new evidence for minutes and are convinced therefore, that these men were in fact vikings.

Whether this represents an isolated incursion, or is the start of a full blown viking invasion is unknown at this stage, but citizens of the UK are urged to treat anyone with a heavy, blonde beard with extreme caution and then to shoot them five times in the head until they are dead.

Apple to Launch Hitler iPod

Apple today lifted the lid on another in their line of special edition iPods, with the announcement of the Hitler iPod.

A spokesman at Apple, Thruntuss Toiletshort said, "Today's iPodder is searching for more and more exclusivity in their digital life, and the new Hitler iPod is exactly the kind of dope shit they are looking for."

It is thought that the Hitler iPod will feature special cool cyber-nazi features, with the Parachute game being replaced by a turn based strategy game of war in Europe. Several of Hitler's greatest speeches come pre-loaded on the unit as does "Back to Bedlam", the hit album from James Blunt.

Apple also gave us a sneak peek at future special editions which include the Ghengis Khan iPod, the Bobby Davro iPod and an iPod Shuffle covered in faeces.