Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Moran Hat is Dead

World of Champions is alive.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Top Five Things to do in This Heat

5. Have a cold drink
4. Sit in the fridge for a bit
3. Go to work naked
2. Make a snowman
1. Stop wrestling that manticore

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Top Five Worst Sounds Known to Man

5. The crack of a snail's shell as you stand on it barefoot
4. Jamie Oliver trying to say "L"
3. Any noise whatsoever made by your neighbours
2. The splintering of your front door as the robot death police burst into your house
1. Ja Rule

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Top Five Future TV Programmes to Feature Noel Edmonds

5. Wheel or No Wheel
4. Eel or No Eel
3. Feel or No Feel
2. Kneel or No Kneel
1. Super Bungee Death Jump Challenge

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Chef Off!

Line-faced, tough TV chef, Gordon Ramsay has today spoken of his joy after he was awarded damages of £99 against the West Lancashire Echo. The newspaper had published an article entitled "Cook not Cock" in which it claimed that despite the muscular Ramsay's reputation as a foul mouthed bastard, he was in fact "perfectly well mannered" and did not actually swear. The article then went on to detail how the TV production company involved with "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares", "Hell's Kitchen" and "Ready, Steady... Fuck" had to hire specialist swearing experts to add on words such as "Shit", "Shitting Shit" and "Shitto" in post-production. These curse-techs were reported to work for upwards of 12 hours on each episode of Ramsay's TV output, ensuring that each profanity was just the right level of offensiveness to enhance his reputation as an sexy maniac.

Ramsay, looking tanned and ready for anything had this to say after leaving court today: "BEEP! These BEEEPs have got to BEEEPing realise that I'm BEEEP BEEEEP. I'm not BEEEEPing BEEEP BEEEP. If any BEEEEP tries to BEEEEEEP my BEEEEEP, I'll BEEEEEP!"

Ramsay's next project is rumoured to be a cookery programme for children entitled "Big Cunt, Little Cunt."

Bad Apples

Waitrose have announced that they are to start selling an 'ugly' range of fruit which would normally be rejected due to its grotesqueness. This includes wrong-shaped bananas, apples which are the wrong shade of red, and funny-looking tomatoes.

Waitrose's customers, who are used to paying a premium for only the best produce, will soon have the chance to buy strange-looking fruit which even Asda would usually throw away. It is hoped that the discounted spazzy fruit will be snapped up by frugal shoppers, thus helping to reduce food waste and encourage less prejudice based on appearance.

We at Moran Hat were granted a sneak preview of the new range of fruit, before they are made officially available to the public on Monday. They included:
  • apples with brown bits on them
  • shrivelled-up grapes
  • amusing bananas
  • a kiwi fruit which, when cut open, resembled the face of popular Irish funnyman Patrick Kielty
  • a strawberry that looked like a poo

Shoppers at Waitrose have reacted angrily to the news. "This is going to encourage the sort of shopper here that you would normally find at the Co-op!" spat one outraged middle-class woman. "The heroin addicts are going to be moving out of the toilets... and into the fruit section!" she continued, dramatically.

Waitrose have denied claims that the new ugly range of fruit is actually just their organic selection with the mud washed off.

Precious as Gold

Whilst trawling the BBC's archives for some rare footage of Ocean Colour Scene live in Mongolia, moranhat made a particularly exciting and unexpected discovery!

We now present to the world for the very first time, a short film by Philip Schofield, made - we believe - during the early years of his exile in Guernsey.

Ladies and gentlemen...Philip Schofield's 'The Desirable Body'.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Top Five Reasons You Want to Die

5. You are a bit bored
4. So you can compare beards with god
3. Your parents don't understand you
2. You fancy being a zombie for a bit
1. You have spent the last four years held captive in a basement being repeatedly tortured and abused by an incredibly brutal sadist

Friday, June 16, 2006

Top Five Episodes of 24

5. The one where Jack Bauer whispers
4. The one where Jack Bauer looks annoyed
3. The one where Jack Bauer sneaks about near some storage containers
2. The one where Jack Bauer gets a mysterious threatening phone call
1. The one where Jack Bauer eats ice cream